Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Riding Rollercoasters of Emotion

This past few weeks have been really emotional, my youngest Max was diagnoised with ADD and ODD and it hit me hard. I found the hurt surprising since I was 99% sure he would have it. I guess it is never easy to hear your child is different, and quite frankly with ADD and ODD I am not sure how you escape feeling like it is your fault and that you are a bad parent. I know we aren't horrible but I also know all our shortcomings. He was having a hard day a few days before that and he said to me he was an accident, that God made him that way on accident. I looked at him and asked him if he knew Jeremiah 29:11 and told him what it said. "For I know the plans I have for you, plans for good and not evil, to give you a future and a hope." (ESV) I had to remind myself that as well.

However I won't lie that other events of the week make it so hard to understand that verse as well. One of my friends lost her battle with breast cancer and left behind an eight year old and a seven year old. I feel so bad about it for a thousand reasons but the one that was really keeping me up was that I never shared the Gospel with her. I hadn't really kept up with her the last two years we moved and since this was our old party crowd when we lived in Las Cruces, we keep in touch but there is a distance. We are mindful that to cut them off, because we do love them and would love for nothing more than for them to have what we have. They know about our conversion or recommitment to God, but it is not the same as a meaningful conversation about it. I pray for her family and friends in this time, I cannot imagine going through it at all, but shudder to think the hole it would leave me in without God. As a person of faith, people ask you, how could this be God's plan? How could the God from Jeremiah?

I don't have all the answers in the least. I do know that sin was unleashed in this world and death is a consequence. Please DO NOT get me wrong, because Mary no more deserved to die than I. In fact I prayed God take me and save her, I know you! Evil is alive and present in this world and that includes disease. Why Mary died is beyond me and will remain so until I meet my maker. I do know God cares and am reminded of John 11:35, "Jesus wept" when learning Lazarus died. I mean he is God and he knew it would happen, and he knew he would raise him and yet he wept. He understands our pain.

We have been singing out our Easter Cantata at church and Saturday I bawled through the second half of dress rehearsal thinking of these things. He willingly gave himself up for us and died to pay the debt of our sins. Not just the good people, not just the ones who go to church, he died for all of us, including you. In fact you rarely find him hanging out with these people in teh bible, instead he dined with tax collectors and other unclean people. I will didn't take the chance to talk to Mary and find out what she believed, and I will always regret it. I want all my friends in real life, or in this blogging realm to know I care and don't want you know the love of God. I promise it is life changing and 100% worth it.

Rest in Peace Mary, I loved you and hope to see you again!


Becca said...


All that I can say is that I agree and send you healing hugs and prayers.

The Boss Lady said...

Nora- beautiful words from a beautiful person. I am with you with everything you have said. I know that your journey mirrors john and mine in so many ways, it is truly inspirational.

Lily was diagnosed ADHD 2 years ago last month. The rollercoaster of emotions is almost too much to bear at times. If you ever need anything, even to vent, call me. Trust me, I've probably lived it at some point. Love you guys and miss you.

desertfolks said...

So, Aden is officially ADD too. I know the feeling when you get the diagnosis, definitely not the best day. Even though you really know the diagnosis is coming, you want to hear something like “No, it isn’t ADD. Your child is just extra super smart and wonderful.” Aden is on Concerta (time-released Ritalin). I started out totally resistant and now I totally love it. It makes Aden’s day to day life (and by default our life and his teachers life) so much easier. I love it so much that I made Anthony an appt next month to check for adult ADD. What makes it easier for me to deal with is ADD (I don’t know about ODD) is a genetic brain chemistry thing. It isn’t choices that Aden makes, or a reflection of bad parenting. Anyway, I’m available if you need anything! Hang in there, xoxo Lora

White Hot Magik said...

Funny to find out it is true for two of my best friends too. Makes me feel better about the meds if we have to go there. I remember how terrible the meds were 20 years ago when they were putting my brother on them so I have a bad attitude I guess.

Dory said...

We be on the same rollercoaster, albeit for different reasons.

I'm ready to get off of it, how 'bout you? :)

The Gaelic Wife said...

I have two diagnosed with ADD. It explains a lot. And I suspected it before the diagnosis. I'm there with you in spirit.

Holly said...

Oh, I'm so sorry to hear about Mary. It doesn't seem fair that she had to go when she had two little kids. That's the part about death that gets me -- it just doesn't seem fair.

Pretty sure my son will be diagnosed with ADHD when he gets older. And many days, I'm sure he has ODD as well because he's so contrary! About everything! I feel for your son and hope he doesn't think his creation was an accident. I love the verse about God knitting together a baby in his mother's womb (Psalm 139:13). That might be a good companion verse to the one you mentioned.