White Hot Magik

Warning: It's not fair to post this without a warning. You might find this a bit sad, I am not trying to be depressing, it's not my intent, but I won't pretend I am such a good writer for that not to be the outcome. I would hope instead you view as just one of my memories, just a story that I am telling.

Halloween is a fun time of year for sure. It's hard not to have fun with all the little bats, goblins, princessi (that is the plural of princess isn't it?) of course my favorite little clonetroopers and yodas. (pictures forthcoming)

It's also birthday time in my family. My dad's was yesterday and his sisters is tomorrow. Today is also the birthday of my nephew. I don't mention this nephew much, but I want to recognize him today. He's special to me for many reasons.

When I found out I was pregnant with Z, my brother was excited and there was a hint of something in his voice that made me question whether or not his wife didn't have a little goblin on the way. He denied that they would ever have kids, but strangely enough, about a month later they announced they were expecting.

After we found out we were having a boy, we were discussing names and I had one name I had to have, Sterling. It was my grandfather's middle name, and I wanted to use it. In fact we had picked out Jackson Sterling. (Try that on with a southern accent, it just seems to need it when you say it.) Then my brother and his wife found out they were having a boy too, and then they said his name was going to be Sterling Bowen. I let him have it since they announced it first. Hence we got Zachary Quinn, who isn't named after anyone.

I also did it out of guilt. You see by then we knew that Sterling was going to have problems his ultrasound had shown that he had a diaphragmatic hernia and that his intestines were growing through a hole in his diaphragm and into the top of the chest cavity, restricting the growth of his lungs and his heart. The doctors were hopeful but the odds weren't good. 50/50 chance he would survive his birth, 50/50 chance he would survive the surgery and so on. My brother and his wife faced it with such a positive attitude, such grace. They were positive and not overcome with fear.

Z was born and other than being small he was fine. We waited for Sterling, and prayed for the best. He arrived on Halloween, he fought a brilliant fight. However went to live with the grandpa he was named after on Thanksgiving that year, a short 26 days later, never leaving the NICU at UNM. I was heartbroken, I knew his mama just got to hold him once, my brother only did after he was gone and he drove him from Albuquerque to Artesia to be buried. I hurt so bad for them knowing what they were missing as I held my 6 week old at his cousins funeral. I can only imagine what they have gone through, but they have done it so well.

They have continued to be brave in spite of this and have a beautiful boy Wyatt who is 2 1/2 and my sweet neice, Kadence, who was born two weeks ago. I know today they will probably go have a little party by Sterling's headstone. It is very important to them that we remember him and not just forget that he was here. When someone asks how many grandkids there are I always include him in the number. However I feel weird if they ask and more questions because the numbers don't add up and wonder how many kids there are. Weird because I always get that questioning look. Why would you bring that up? I know my mom isn't comfortable with it, I don't think she likes to talk about it. I try to respect that too.

I make sure my sons know about him. We talk about him, and on his birthday and at Christmas we pick out a present and give it away to charity. When Z had an imaginary friend last year, I liked to think it was Sterling. When I lament how my kids don't get to know their great-grandfather, I comfort myself imagining how much fun Sterling must be having with him. I wonder if Great Auntie Bell has him dancing while she plays her fiddle. On that side of the family all the great aunts and uncles are gone and they doted on us and I imagine them doting on him. I imagine him asking questions and saying funny things like Z. I imagine what he looks like now.

In Latin American cultures it is customary to observe Dia de los Muertos (Day of the Dead)tomorrow and go and decorate the cemetery remembering those who have passed. Here where I live, it is customary to make retablos that tell the about the lives of those who have passed. This is a retablo for my nephew.

It's hard to imagine that this tragedy had a purpose, although it serves as a poignant reminder to cherish my children. It's not easy to make sense of these things, to find the silver (sterling) linings. While the story is sad, and I'll admit to have shed a tear writing it, I don't tell it for your sympathy. I tell it because I can't be with my brother today. I tell it to remember. I tell in his honor. I tell it because I love that little guy, and hope to meet him someday.

Happy 4th Birthday Sterling. We love you!