Warning: It's not fair to post this without a warning. You might find this a bit sad, I am not trying to be depressing, it's not my intent, but I won't pretend I am such a good writer for that not to be the outcome. I would hope instead you view as just one of my memories, just a story that I am telling.

Halloween is a fun time of year for sure. It's hard not to have fun with all the little bats, goblins, princessi (that is the plural of princess isn't it?) of course my favorite little clonetroopers and yodas. (pictures forthcoming)

It's also birthday time in my family. My dad's was yesterday and his sisters is tomorrow. Today is also the birthday of my nephew. I don't mention this nephew much, but I want to recognize him today. He's special to me for many reasons.

When I found out I was pregnant with Z, my brother was excited and there was a hint of something in his voice that made me question whether or not his wife didn't have a little goblin on the way. He denied that they would ever have kids, but strangely enough, about a month later they announced they were expecting.

After we found out we were having a boy, we were discussing names and I had one name I had to have, Sterling. It was my grandfather's middle name, and I wanted to use it. In fact we had picked out Jackson Sterling. (Try that on with a southern accent, it just seems to need it when you say it.) Then my brother and his wife found out they were having a boy too, and then they said his name was going to be Sterling Bowen. I let him have it since they announced it first. Hence we got Zachary Quinn, who isn't named after anyone.

I also did it out of guilt. You see by then we knew that Sterling was going to have problems his ultrasound had shown that he had a diaphragmatic hernia and that his intestines were growing through a hole in his diaphragm and into the top of the chest cavity, restricting the growth of his lungs and his heart. The doctors were hopeful but the odds weren't good. 50/50 chance he would survive his birth, 50/50 chance he would survive the surgery and so on. My brother and his wife faced it with such a positive attitude, such grace. They were positive and not overcome with fear.

Z was born and other than being small he was fine. We waited for Sterling, and prayed for the best. He arrived on Halloween, he fought a brilliant fight. However went to live with the grandpa he was named after on Thanksgiving that year, a short 26 days later, never leaving the NICU at UNM. I was heartbroken, I knew his mama just got to hold him once, my brother only did after he was gone and he drove him from Albuquerque to Artesia to be buried. I hurt so bad for them knowing what they were missing as I held my 6 week old at his cousins funeral. I can only imagine what they have gone through, but they have done it so well.

They have continued to be brave in spite of this and have a beautiful boy Wyatt who is 2 1/2 and my sweet neice, Kadence, who was born two weeks ago. I know today they will probably go have a little party by Sterling's headstone. It is very important to them that we remember him and not just forget that he was here. When someone asks how many grandkids there are I always include him in the number. However I feel weird if they ask and more questions because the numbers don't add up and wonder how many kids there are. Weird because I always get that questioning look. Why would you bring that up? I know my mom isn't comfortable with it, I don't think she likes to talk about it. I try to respect that too.

I make sure my sons know about him. We talk about him, and on his birthday and at Christmas we pick out a present and give it away to charity. When Z had an imaginary friend last year, I liked to think it was Sterling. When I lament how my kids don't get to know their great-grandfather, I comfort myself imagining how much fun Sterling must be having with him. I wonder if Great Auntie Bell has him dancing while she plays her fiddle. On that side of the family all the great aunts and uncles are gone and they doted on us and I imagine them doting on him. I imagine him asking questions and saying funny things like Z. I imagine what he looks like now.

In Latin American cultures it is customary to observe Dia de los Muertos (Day of the Dead)tomorrow and go and decorate the cemetery remembering those who have passed. Here where I live, it is customary to make retablos that tell the about the lives of those who have passed. This is a retablo for my nephew.

It's hard to imagine that this tragedy had a purpose, although it serves as a poignant reminder to cherish my children. It's not easy to make sense of these things, to find the silver (sterling) linings. While the story is sad, and I'll admit to have shed a tear writing it, I don't tell it for your sympathy. I tell it because I can't be with my brother today. I tell it to remember. I tell in his honor. I tell it because I love that little guy, and hope to meet him someday.

Happy 4th Birthday Sterling. We love you!

Muddy Muddy Muddy!

On the work agenda this week:
    Dig a drainage pond
    Grade the new bay so water drains to the pond
    Install irrigation system
    Hire more people

I've mentioned our adventures in hiring of late.  I guess not everyone has fun slogging around in mud.  I took this picture to hang on our booth at the local job fair this week.

Can you handle your shoes looking like this? 

Yes, okay? Let's talk.

Why do my shoes look this way? Rain.  This New Mexican is beginning to think that the tornado that blew through town a whil back transported us somewhere else.  We have had a lot of rain of late a lot more than our annual 8-10 inches.  This is really impedeing my construction project.

For example digging our drainage pond.  We have been trying to dry this area out, but everytime it starts to get dry enough to do the work, it rains again.  Yesterday our maintence guy pulled out the big loader to try to dig it even though it was still kind of wet, since the forecast was for rain today.  His 10 ton loader broke my underground irrigation pipes like spaghetti.  Joy, I spent the rest of they day trying to figure out where pipes were that were put in 15 or more years ago.

Today was very wet and rainy, everyone but us poor salaried fools got to go home.  We came back from lunch to find that the maintence guy decided to work on digging this pond again after all the rain.  This is what we found.

Yes, it is buried to it axles in clay and sand. Seriously it weighs ten tons. My boss was a bit annoyed.  He kept saying over and over, I told him NOT to try and dig the pond today.  Why did he do that? 

So I explained something to him I was suprised he didn't know.

1. The quickest way to get a man to do something is do emphatically tell him not to.


2. The next best way to get a man to do something is to make him think it was his idea.


3. If all of those tactics fail, get another man to ask him, they respond better than when I female asks

In any case we had fun watching them get it out.  One of my coworkers wanted to set up lawn chairs and watch, he also wanted to have pennents that said "Go Mud!"  Another wanted score cards. At one point he had that loader wiggling like it was dancing, I gave him a 10.   They did finally extract the thing, and somehow managed to not break any more pipes.  It did require some serious shovel power, however.

So, you want a job with us?  Seriously it's not that bad, for the life of me I cannot figure out why our inventory manager insists on calling the place SNAFU Nursery.

Funnies?

I wanted to do a quick write up of some of the funnier highlights of my week. I keep starting entries that tend to be long winded, and I think I am in need of lighter less wordy fare. (Note to self: Stop going on about being succinct and get to the damn point.)


Must be in the genes (jeans?)

Z often keeps us laughing. He can't help it, he is discovering the world. I have often joked that to get a man to do something the trick is to make him think it was his idea. I don't think I realized it started so young.

Z (playing with stuffed bunny): Mama, what do rabbits eat?

Me (thinking a lesson could be learned here): Vegetables good stuff like carrots and lettuce.

Z (smiling): Nooo they don't eat that?

Me: What do they eat?

Z (thinking hard): Carrots! I think they eat Carrots, silly mommy! (as though this just occurred to him.)


2nd example of how there is just something fundamental different about that plaything the Y chromosome grants.

Z (running excitedly into our bedroom): Momma! Dadda! My penis just got smaller! Cool! (exits stage left)

Us: giggling uncontrollably, What do we do about that?


Getting the Pink Slip

And lastly there is the workplace humor. To set up one part of this story, I should remind you many of my coworkers don't speak English, although all of my crew does.

One of my spray guys was leaving this week, to go retire in Costa Rica. I am upset for two reasons, one he was a great worker, and two he is going to Costa Rica. (His saving grace is he says we can come visit.) He was giving me a hard time earlier this week and I told him he better watch out a pink slip could be in his future. (a recurring joke) This made a light bulb turn on over my head. I had already planned on making cupcakes to mark his departure, but now I had something really good planned.

So yesterday at first break I gave him an envelope with a letter attached to the front informing him he no longer had a job here at "Snafu" nursery. Among the funny things on the front, I cautioned him that the loss of his job was no reason to run off to a Latin American country to drink, gamble and live on the beach. I told him inside the envelope was his termination package, aka the "pink slip." Inside was a old lacy full length slip I had dyed pink. Richard loved it and died laughing as did the other people present. (To my dissappointment, he did not wear it over his clothes.) I noticed one of the other guys, Jose, was laughing pretty hard and his English is just so so and I asked one of the other ladies to explain it to him. However they decided it was funnier to not explain it. I am not 100% sure what his version of it is, I gather it involves cross dressing, and I am not sure what else, but he laughs every time he sees me now!

Flash In The Pan!

We got satellite this week again. I had not moved the service with us this summer.

Besides the financial savings, I figured it was good for us not to watch T.V. too much and since reception in this area is pretty limited, we weren't watching much.

However I cracked under the pressure when my very limited reception of ABC (Fuzzy) NBC (Fuzzy) FOX (Very Fuzzy) PBS (Clear, most of the time) and CBS (Total Fuzz) became Fuzz, Fuzz and More Fuzz and the PBS. I did not repeat, did not make out with the installer, despite what any of you may have heard.

Like a famished children in a candy store, we began a watching frenzy this week. First show, Spongebob, it was a double score because it was my favorite episode where Squiward tells the marching band in his monotone voice, "Don't bother showing up tomorrow, I'll just tell everyone you died in a marching accident." I have been trying to get my husband to tell that to the band for a couple of years. Spoil sport. *sigh*

And Dexter let's not forget Dexter Laboratory or classics like Tom & Jerry.

Snippets of other favorites like Colbert Report and my most trusted news source The Daily Show. Somehow I have been thwarted in every attempt to watch a full show. I will try again tonight. Please think of me at 9:00 p.m. and wish me well.

The hubby is happy again now that he can watch football and ESPN, and cartoons, and movies. Let's face it he is a total TV junkie. It is an activity that for the most part we can enjoy together. We have the same bad taste.

Of course we got the promo package that came with free HBO and so we saw The Fantasic Four, Dreamer, and the classic Flash Gordon. Flash Gordon you say? A Classic? Come on it is B movie best. Sound track by Queen, I have been going around singing Flash Ahahhhhh! (Note to self: I wonder if this is why people think I am wierd?) But really Nora, why is this movie so great? Well there are many things, but the wedding vows are my favorite. The hubby and I would have used them for our own, but we couldn't agree as to who got to say Ming the Merciless vows, so we went traditional instead. (Although to this day he insists I choked on the to honor and obey part. Whatever! Okay I did, but don't tell him I admitted to it. Seriously did he think I would obey?)

Zogi, the High Priest: Do you, Ming the Merciless, Ruler of the Universe, take this Earthling Dale Arden, to be your Empress of the Hour?
The Emperor Ming: Of the hour, yes.
Zogi, the High Priest: Do you promise to use her as you will?
The Emperor Ming: Certainly!
Zogi, the High Priest: Not to blast her into space?
[Ming glares at Zogi]
Zogi, the High Priest: Uh, until such time as you grow weary of her.
The Emperor Ming: I do.
Dale Arden: I do NOT!


Really can you think of anything more romantical?

Amaizing

A couple of weekends ago we attended a birthday party at the Mesilla Valley Corn Maze. It was a grand time. After having the kids faces painted and playing some of the games offered, we tackled the maize maze. As we start towards it an attendent hands us a copy of the maze. I question whether or not we should do the maze on paper first, but no one stops to do so, we are busy chasing after the gaggle of kids we brought with us. Not suprisingly we got lost. We needed to get out since the time limit for the party was nearly up and we hadn't even had cake yet. So we took a few unauthorized short cuts, only where someone had obviously done it before us. *cough*

I suppose there are some great analogies for life in that story. It does somewhat remind me of my life. I didn't really have a clear cut plan. I am not sure if that was the way to go or not. Sometimes I think if only I had planned, if only I had clear cut dreams for my life I could have done better. Then I remember how the few plans I did have were often derailed and being flexible and going with the flow helped out. I suppose it is my dual Gemini nature, it depends on the day which philosophy seems best.

I have mentioned the husband a few times recently. He moved back in this week. I still feel unsure. The roots of this unsurity weed are hard to find. I think perhaps it is simple fear. What if we don't make it? I think it is some residual hurt, I had to put a tourniquet on some wounds to make it through the last few months and maybe I killed my love. Then there is the dealing with my family. I haven't told my mom yet. When I mentioned the possiblity to my sister a few weeks ago, she thought Mom would go through the roof. I don't want to deal with that too. (Yes, I am part Ostrich, thanks for asking.)

It's strange when I consider my roadmap for life. Three months ago I was holding onto this marriage for desperate life, now it seems the cure is in my hands and I am considering if I even want it anymore. I'd lie if I said I had no idea this could happen, I knew it might, hoped that we could make it anyway. It's not like I went into this thinking, if this happens we will just divorce. I mean I knew that we weren't infallable, this could happen. I just realize now I had very little idea how to guard against it. I was a young girl, I thought Love could conquer all.

I suppose Love perhaps can, but it is very easy for Love to become something else. It is very easy to lose your way in the maze of finances, careers, disappointment, am I wrongs, and parenthood. I don't want to malign parenthood, but it has been a lightening rod for us. We have found all our faults as a couple, maybe not them all, but too many. We weren't on the same page much less the same team. Add a few deaths, big career disppointments and a new baby, and our recipe just didn't come out as expected.

At the maze they have a guy posted on a lookout tower in case you get lost. We didn't ask him for help. Perhaps this was a mistake. I have been trying to listen what the big guy in the sky wants me to do. Wants us to do. I know we are no where near where we need to be yet. My hope is slowly returning. Some days it is hard, every turn seems to lead to a dead end, and the corn is too tall to see the way out. Hopefully if I look at the map and ask for some help, we will find our way out, without the shortcuts.

It's already been a year?

Wow it was another whirlwind week.

Okay that is if you call a bout with the flu and a killer migraine a whirlwind. Wednesday and Thursday were spent in delirium with a high fever. Friday the fever was gone but I had a triple header migraine. (I usually have three different "types" of headaches this one was all three.) I ended up in the hospital after freaking my family out since I was crying because I hurt so bad even after taking some prescription meds. The headache is better but it is as if there is an shadow of still in my head and I don't feel quite up to par. I am going to the doctor today to try and sort it out.

In any case, sometime in the mess of my life the last two weeks I missed my 1 year blog anniversary on September 23rd.

I was curious when mine was after Alicia and Mocha noted theirs. I don't think my first entries were all that exciting. I won't bore you with a reprint here Mostly I mention it because I realized how much I have changed in the last year.

The girl that started this blog last year was quite frankly lost. Lost as a mom, lost as a wife, lost in terms of a career. I think perhaps I found myself, even the parts I didn't want to acknowledge. I feel 100 times more confident about my worth as a mother, a woman and professionally. I still have a ways to go to accomplish my many goals, but I feel like I can get there. Last year I wasn't so sure.

I had sent a quick note to an old friend who I had been corresponding with around this time last year. We had lost touch, I think in part due to my insecurity, I doubt at the time reconnecting with me felt like much fun. It felt good to be able to send her a quick note that I was confident about, not like I had to hide how miserable my life was.

Even though, I am not living with my husband and my biggest fear in marriage came true.

Even though, I am not yet the Landscape Designer I hoped to be, I am gaining more knowledge and confidence every day and my work acts like they want to keep me around, apparently I do my job reasonably well. I am making the most since I have had kids and am not working 60 hour weeks.

Even though, I am not home with my kids all day, we still have a great time and I think we are all happy Max is a toddler with a great smile and a burgeoning vocabulary. Z loves school and church and is learning more and more every day.

In the last year I have learned that the road of life is usually bumpy. I can't continue to "wait" until the road looks better to take chances and live. In fact I am blazing my own trail, and I can handle what comes my way. (with my support base, I am not superwoman, I didn't do this all by myself.)

I have the help and support of a wonderful family, a loving father in heaven, lots of friends and you. You who have been stopping by and visiting, even when there wasn't something funny to read. I appreciate that, blogging has been a very helpful tool in becoming who I am today versus one year ago.

I can't wait to see what progress I'll have made next year.

Thanks for reading, I really do appreciate you!