Riding Rollercoasters of Emotion

This past few weeks have been really emotional, my youngest Max was diagnoised with ADD and ODD and it hit me hard. I found the hurt surprising since I was 99% sure he would have it. I guess it is never easy to hear your child is different, and quite frankly with ADD and ODD I am not sure how you escape feeling like it is your fault and that you are a bad parent. I know we aren't horrible but I also know all our shortcomings. He was having a hard day a few days before that and he said to me he was an accident, that God made him that way on accident. I looked at him and asked him if he knew Jeremiah 29:11 and told him what it said. "For I know the plans I have for you, plans for good and not evil, to give you a future and a hope." (ESV) I had to remind myself that as well.

However I won't lie that other events of the week make it so hard to understand that verse as well. One of my friends lost her battle with breast cancer and left behind an eight year old and a seven year old. I feel so bad about it for a thousand reasons but the one that was really keeping me up was that I never shared the Gospel with her. I hadn't really kept up with her the last two years we moved and since this was our old party crowd when we lived in Las Cruces, we keep in touch but there is a distance. We are mindful that to cut them off, because we do love them and would love for nothing more than for them to have what we have. They know about our conversion or recommitment to God, but it is not the same as a meaningful conversation about it. I pray for her family and friends in this time, I cannot imagine going through it at all, but shudder to think the hole it would leave me in without God. As a person of faith, people ask you, how could this be God's plan? How could the God from Jeremiah?

I don't have all the answers in the least. I do know that sin was unleashed in this world and death is a consequence. Please DO NOT get me wrong, because Mary no more deserved to die than I. In fact I prayed God take me and save her, I know you! Evil is alive and present in this world and that includes disease. Why Mary died is beyond me and will remain so until I meet my maker. I do know God cares and am reminded of John 11:35, "Jesus wept" when learning Lazarus died. I mean he is God and he knew it would happen, and he knew he would raise him and yet he wept. He understands our pain.

We have been singing out our Easter Cantata at church and Saturday I bawled through the second half of dress rehearsal thinking of these things. He willingly gave himself up for us and died to pay the debt of our sins. Not just the good people, not just the ones who go to church, he died for all of us, including you. In fact you rarely find him hanging out with these people in teh bible, instead he dined with tax collectors and other unclean people. I will didn't take the chance to talk to Mary and find out what she believed, and I will always regret it. I want all my friends in real life, or in this blogging realm to know I care and don't want you know the love of God. I promise it is life changing and 100% worth it.

Rest in Peace Mary, I loved you and hope to see you again!

What's up Blogging World?

Long time no post. I doubt any one out there will even read this, but I keep thinking I need to get back to blogging.  I wake up and write posts in my head.

Life is busier than ever and while I hoped by now I would have an immaculate house and everything in order, my life is still messy.  As I recall I told myself to quit blogging and get my house clean and well you see how long I have been gone.

We are doing well out here in the boondocks,.We survived the big freeze this winter, almost no precipitation, which made the big freeze worse for all the plants down here.  I had a design customer plant a bunch of palms, her idea, we got ones that would normally be hardy here but when you get a 100 year freeze, what can you do? Lots of big established plants were killed.

Go to go visit the sister and family in California visiting the awesome (not Sandy Lamo) San Diego Zoo and my all time favorite, Legoland.  Still think I need a job taking care of plants at one of those places.

Max has survived 3/4 of Kindergarten and while there have been many bad days, I am thankful he has such a loving supportive teacher and staff at the school.  We broke down and are having him evaluated for ADD etc and going to start the Feingold diet to see if that helps too.

Z is a second grader as tall as my shoulder and I can't help but wonder where my 4 lb 15 ounce baby went. Doing well despite is dorky mother.

Hubby loves his new job at the High School despite being the Assistant Choir Director.  He was a Band Director and you know he always gave me a hard time about Choir, so of course I love it. He also teaches technical theater, or as I call it, the manly part of Drama. Not that drama is not manly, I probably just offended someone.

My business isn't a huge success yet, but it brings us in extra dough and gives me a flexible schedule and I am learning so in my book it is a success.

Looking forward to roaming around and see what all you are up too.  I have to admit the only blogs I have kept up with are ones that post links on FB or Twitter. 

GOAL!

We have been on a journey the last few years. There are times I look back and can only marvel. Perhaps I wax on too much about it, but I still can't believe where we are compared to three years ago.  Three years ago we were on the brink of divorce and we moved back to my hometown.  I have to admit that part of my thought well if this scheme doesn't work oh well, at least I will be near my family.  The fact that things keep getting better just blows me away.  

As I mentioned in the last post, this summer was a challenge, some bad things happened.  However we got through them and it has helped us to refocus.  The hubs and I  have been  and have been working on a bible study with one of our pastors.  We get homework and it has been a progression of steps.  Most recent was goal setting.  I laughed because I have often said this was one of our biggest problems.  We just kinda floated along until everything fell apart and then tried desperately to put it all back together and we couldn't it. (At least not by ourselves.)

Sometimes it means making unconventional calls.  Like me moving away from a going nowhere temp job to my own business in this economy. Long term it will pay off, short term it is hard.  I miss the security of a weekly paycheck, although I don't miss the cubicle.  Love picking my kids up from school and not fretting about taking the needed time off to take care of them.  I see a difference in our family.  

One of the jobs I picked up was maintaining the soccer fields for our local youth league for the fall.  It entailed mowing and striping the fields each week.  The first time we striped we took string and strung out the lines for the fields painted on those, after that as long as I could see the old stripe, I could just go over the old one.  Seemed simple enough but I found it really hard to keep my lines perfectly straight.  I would think I did a great job and then turn around and see where I had a little zig or how I gradually pulled one way or another.  It was really frustrating. 

One day I had some help from one of the dads as we were trying to string out a field to paint it. He just eyeballed the lines with stringing it and I swear his lines were straighter than mine.  I would get really aggravated at myself. By the last week I had figured a few things out and was painting decent lines for the most part.  The trick for me was to keep my eye on the end of the line and to occasionally glance at my current location but mostly to keep my eye on the end goal.  Also I had to keep walking with my feet side by side at a natural pace, instead of putting one in front of the other.  

Maybe it was just all the time spend out there by myself but I couldn't help thinking this was such a perfect analogy of what we are doing in life.  On our goal list is budgeting, studying, prayer, eating dinner together, practicing kindness, consulting the others opinions, working together toward the same goal, holding each other accountable.  We often fall short and get a few wobbles in our lines and only seem to keep it perfect for a short while, but then we sight up our end goal and keep going.

Not perfect, I can see where I corrected from a mistake the week before,  but I am okay with it. 

Do you and your spouse have clear family goals?  

Bring the Rain, it is Monsoon season after all...

This summer has really been a roller coaster kind of summer, fast and tons of ups and downs and hard turns.  Today I realized I haven't even taken the boys swimming once.  Seems completely wrong.

If you are on FB or Twitter with me you may have noticed all the "downs".  My mom had to have revision surgery on her knee replacement, my dad has been in the hospital twice with a cellulitis infection in his leg. Jobs haven't worked out the way we hoped and money has been really tight. It just seems to keep coming, yesterday my five year old son and niece ate some toxic seeds from a plant, and while not life threatening he threw up for a solid 24 hours.Somewhere the middle of those events somewhere, an event happened that made me question close relationships, careers and even my faith for a second.

There have been highs too. My mom's recovery has not been as bad as they thought it would be. The tests they ran for my dad's infection revealed some possible heart issues that his other doctor has overlooked. Third Day came to our little burg and my husband was able to temporarily manage the venue and consequently has signed a teaching contract for the fall to manage the building, teach technical theater, help with the choir.  I have been praying for a long time if he was ready to go back to education that the right opportunity presented itself.

It is interesting to me how in the midst of all this stress of  lows and highs, how I have managed to sway a bit left and right but mostly have stayed tethered to my center, my faith.  I used to think that somehow I would know God when I had it all together, but I realize how well I know God when it is exactly the opposite.  I admit a couple of weeks ago, when I thought perhaps someone very precious to me was lost, I was angry for a split second.  Haven't I been faithful?  I know I am not perfect but really why?  Of course the long and short is that I am no better than anyone else and bad things are going to happen to me no matter how "good" I try to be. Free will means anyone, including me, can make the wrong choices and hurt someone else.

I am thankful that no matter what this ride of life throws at me, my heavenly father can handle it. I just need to rest secure in his hands. And I did, I didn't fall apart, I sought advice, I made the decisions I felt led to make and don't have any regrets. That my friends feels like progress, no matter how bumpy the ride was. I am very blessed to have such a wonderful support network.

¹¹ For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.  Jeremiah 29:11 (New International Version)

I think Bring The Rain from the Band MercyMe sums it up pretty well.

I can count a million times
People asking me how I
Can praise You with all that I've gone through
The question just amazes me
Can circumstances possibly
Change who I forever am in You
Maybe since my life was changed
Long before these rainy days
It's never really ever crossed my mind
To turn my back on you, oh Lord
My only shelter from the storm
But instead I draw closer through these times
So I pray

Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings You glory
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring the rain

I am Yours regardless of
The dark clouds that may loom above
Because You are much greater than my pain
You who made a way for me
By suffering Your destiny
So tell me what's a little rain
So I pray

Holy, holy, holy
Is the Lord God Almighty

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