Riding Rollercoasters of Emotion

This past few weeks have been really emotional, my youngest Max was diagnoised with ADD and ODD and it hit me hard. I found the hurt surprising since I was 99% sure he would have it. I guess it is never easy to hear your child is different, and quite frankly with ADD and ODD I am not sure how you escape feeling like it is your fault and that you are a bad parent. I know we aren't horrible but I also know all our shortcomings. He was having a hard day a few days before that and he said to me he was an accident, that God made him that way on accident. I looked at him and asked him if he knew Jeremiah 29:11 and told him what it said. "For I know the plans I have for you, plans for good and not evil, to give you a future and a hope." (ESV) I had to remind myself that as well.

However I won't lie that other events of the week make it so hard to understand that verse as well. One of my friends lost her battle with breast cancer and left behind an eight year old and a seven year old. I feel so bad about it for a thousand reasons but the one that was really keeping me up was that I never shared the Gospel with her. I hadn't really kept up with her the last two years we moved and since this was our old party crowd when we lived in Las Cruces, we keep in touch but there is a distance. We are mindful that to cut them off, because we do love them and would love for nothing more than for them to have what we have. They know about our conversion or recommitment to God, but it is not the same as a meaningful conversation about it. I pray for her family and friends in this time, I cannot imagine going through it at all, but shudder to think the hole it would leave me in without God. As a person of faith, people ask you, how could this be God's plan? How could the God from Jeremiah?

I don't have all the answers in the least. I do know that sin was unleashed in this world and death is a consequence. Please DO NOT get me wrong, because Mary no more deserved to die than I. In fact I prayed God take me and save her, I know you! Evil is alive and present in this world and that includes disease. Why Mary died is beyond me and will remain so until I meet my maker. I do know God cares and am reminded of John 11:35, "Jesus wept" when learning Lazarus died. I mean he is God and he knew it would happen, and he knew he would raise him and yet he wept. He understands our pain.

We have been singing out our Easter Cantata at church and Saturday I bawled through the second half of dress rehearsal thinking of these things. He willingly gave himself up for us and died to pay the debt of our sins. Not just the good people, not just the ones who go to church, he died for all of us, including you. In fact you rarely find him hanging out with these people in teh bible, instead he dined with tax collectors and other unclean people. I will didn't take the chance to talk to Mary and find out what she believed, and I will always regret it. I want all my friends in real life, or in this blogging realm to know I care and don't want you know the love of God. I promise it is life changing and 100% worth it.

Rest in Peace Mary, I loved you and hope to see you again!