Amaizing

A couple of weekends ago we attended a birthday party at the Mesilla Valley Corn Maze. It was a grand time. After having the kids faces painted and playing some of the games offered, we tackled the maize maze. As we start towards it an attendent hands us a copy of the maze. I question whether or not we should do the maze on paper first, but no one stops to do so, we are busy chasing after the gaggle of kids we brought with us. Not suprisingly we got lost. We needed to get out since the time limit for the party was nearly up and we hadn't even had cake yet. So we took a few unauthorized short cuts, only where someone had obviously done it before us. *cough*

I suppose there are some great analogies for life in that story. It does somewhat remind me of my life. I didn't really have a clear cut plan. I am not sure if that was the way to go or not. Sometimes I think if only I had planned, if only I had clear cut dreams for my life I could have done better. Then I remember how the few plans I did have were often derailed and being flexible and going with the flow helped out. I suppose it is my dual Gemini nature, it depends on the day which philosophy seems best.

I have mentioned the husband a few times recently. He moved back in this week. I still feel unsure. The roots of this unsurity weed are hard to find. I think perhaps it is simple fear. What if we don't make it? I think it is some residual hurt, I had to put a tourniquet on some wounds to make it through the last few months and maybe I killed my love. Then there is the dealing with my family. I haven't told my mom yet. When I mentioned the possiblity to my sister a few weeks ago, she thought Mom would go through the roof. I don't want to deal with that too. (Yes, I am part Ostrich, thanks for asking.)

It's strange when I consider my roadmap for life. Three months ago I was holding onto this marriage for desperate life, now it seems the cure is in my hands and I am considering if I even want it anymore. I'd lie if I said I had no idea this could happen, I knew it might, hoped that we could make it anyway. It's not like I went into this thinking, if this happens we will just divorce. I mean I knew that we weren't infallable, this could happen. I just realize now I had very little idea how to guard against it. I was a young girl, I thought Love could conquer all.

I suppose Love perhaps can, but it is very easy for Love to become something else. It is very easy to lose your way in the maze of finances, careers, disappointment, am I wrongs, and parenthood. I don't want to malign parenthood, but it has been a lightening rod for us. We have found all our faults as a couple, maybe not them all, but too many. We weren't on the same page much less the same team. Add a few deaths, big career disppointments and a new baby, and our recipe just didn't come out as expected.

At the maze they have a guy posted on a lookout tower in case you get lost. We didn't ask him for help. Perhaps this was a mistake. I have been trying to listen what the big guy in the sky wants me to do. Wants us to do. I know we are no where near where we need to be yet. My hope is slowly returning. Some days it is hard, every turn seems to lead to a dead end, and the corn is too tall to see the way out. Hopefully if I look at the map and ask for some help, we will find our way out, without the shortcuts.