Letters written but not delivered

Dear You

 

For the past week I have been looking at you every night from my spot in the choir wondering why God chose to place you and I in the same place.  Why he chose to place me so that you are in my line of sight to the director, where my eyes can't help falling on you  One could argue that this town isn't really that large and that the music community isn't that large, you are an obvious choice for the orchestra, of course you would be there.

 

At dress rehearsal when I looked down and realized that it was you, it took my breath away.  I wondered why he hadn't bothered mentioning you were going to be in the orchestra too.  Unfortunately I couldn't see him as well to see if he was staring at you. Emotions that I thought I had buried suddenly bubbled to the surface. It drove me nuts for a while, eventually I had to settle in, after all I couldn't leave the choir without making a scene. 

 

I tried really hard not to look at you, I don't want to stare, or be caught looking at you.  I wonder how that would make you feel.  I have wanted to talk to you for a while, but always talk myself out of it. However I looked at you much more than I should have and one time caught you scanning the choir and your eyes resting on me.  I was trying to read the emotions on your face as you recognized me One of the reasons I have never contacted you is that I am afraid I would scare you, since you may assume I have a grudge against you.

 

I really don't, as far as I know you did nothing wrong, in fact sometimes I wonder if I should thank you.  His story wasn't a pretty one, embarrassing to tell, embarrassing to hear.  At the time in the midst of the drama, I wanted to call you and say is this all true? Is he telling me the truth? I didn't for a lot of reasons, but mostly because again I thought it would cause more trouble, what was the gain?

 

When he told me he was changing jobs I was relieved for many reasons, but one was that it took him away from you.  You who probably did nothing but try and be a friend to a coworker with unexpected results.  You who were probably traumatized nearly as much as I was.

 

I wonder if you ever thought you were responsible when he said we were separated.  It's not your fault you know, he was the wrong one, and the problems go much deeper than a simple infatuation.  I wonder if you need to hear that.

 

I fear that by acting on this urge to talk to you I will open up a door to things I don't know.  What if he lied to me?  What if he said horrible things about me and you think this is my fault anyway?  What if you are okay and don't need to hear a thing? What if? What if?

 

I've done a lot of praying this week up in that choir.  I've asked God for guidance, I've asked God for peace.  I told God that if he wanted me to talk to you to let us run into one another, literally, I promised not to seek you out.  I wondered what he would do if he saw us talking. Would he be upset?  Then God reminded me of something, that the person I really needed to talk to this about was at home.  The last person I wanted to bring it up with, the person I really needed to talk to about it.  So I took a big gulp of pride and did just that, it was calm, no fighting, only heartfelt conversation.   

 

You know what is funny?  I do feel much more at peace now.  Last night as I sang I praised God with my song in a much more heartfelt manner, you didn't catch my eye very much. I nearly felt drunk after the performance I was so touched and in awe. I meant every word I sang with a renewed devotion.  Six months ago my world crumbled at my feet and in my desperation I cried out to the Lord.  I handed him this life of mine and said, I can't fix it, I am tired of trying.  Please show me the way, please heal me, and he did.  Every time I run into a new hurdle like the shock of seeing you the other night, if I ask he guides me to the right path. 

 

I know I am not the only one in need of healing and I pray that he finds it, you find it.

 

Tonight is the last performance, and there is a party afterward.  I'll be with him and the kids, my family whom I love dearly, even with all our faults.  I may run into you, and I'll smile and speak if God leads me.  May God bless you and keep you, he has done that for me.

 

Sincerely,

Me