What do you mean you don't want to hear about my kids' poop?

Barnyard mama had an interesting post a couple of weeks ago about changing teams.  Not so long ago she was a married young adult without kids.  Now that she is expecting her first, she realizes she is changing into one of them, a group of people she couldn't relate to a year ago.

I laughed when I read it since my husband and I, B.C (before children) had decided that parents must belong to some sort of cult.  They (parents) were always trying to recruit us. Married for five years without kids, to some we were kind of odd.  Without any regard to the possible reasons we were constantly being barraged with the question: "So when are you going to have kids."  When we would answer we weren't planning to, they would keep at it. "Why not?  It's great! You should try it, it will change your life."  To be quite frank I found it annoying, and wondered what was up with these jerks.  I could have had infertility problems and just didn't want to tell you about.  (Since 99% of the time these questions came from people we didn't really know.)  I in no way wanted to become one of "them." As many of you are aware, God had other plans that circumvented our plans and we were blessed to become parents, we changed sides.  Except I refuse to recruit, I don't think it is any of my business to ask.  If asked, I will tell people it is the hardest job you will ever love.

However when I read this one particular comment about KM's post, I felt stung. 

As one of the ones not in that place right now (or maybe ever), I have to say that it is, in fact, very difficult to maintain friendships with pregnant women.  I really just cannot relate.  I never know what to say to them because I am totally uninterested in pretty much anything baby.  I think the key is to continue to talk about the kinds of things you talked about pre-pregnancy.  Do the same kind of things you did pre-baby.  When it's all about the baby, it's just like, "I don't want to be friends with an infant...I want to be friends with my friend." 

Also, when women become nothing more than moms, when their entire identities become wrapped up in that one role (which is when all they talk about is the baby), when they lose their individual personalities, when they lose who they were pre-baby, it's just too impossible to maintain friendships with them.  I don't want to be friend's with John's mom; I want to be friends with Sue.  In other words, don't lose Katy in the midst of having baby.  It's not like you were nothing before you got pregnant, so don't just become a pregnancy or later just a mom.  Youa re other things, too.  And I think it's important to embrace all your roles, all your parts, so you don't lose yourself, or your friendships.

I've had some friends who got pregnant, and we just aren't friends anymore.  We literally no longer had anything in common.  They became nothing more than moms. They lost who theyw ere pre-baby.  But I also believe that people enter our lives at different times for different reasons, and sometimes we outgrow old friendships and need to form new ones.  It doesn't mean those old friends were or are any less important to you or who you are.  It doesn't mean you love or appreciate them any less.

(While I know you can easily find out who wrote this comment, I wanted to leaver her name out of it until she had a chance to read the post, she inspired me and this is NOT an attack on her.)

I woke up the next morning thinking about it. It stung because there is so much truth in that comment, as mom's we do loose ourselves.  I think most if not all moms can relate to that, the loss of self.  On the other hand, you probably cannot understand if you haven't been there.   In fact I would rate it in the top three drawbacks of becoming a mother, loss of self, disciplining your child, and the constant barrage of bodily fluids you never wanted to know so well. 

I guess the comment stung me because I don't know how one can avoid it.  You and the baby inside you are almost one entity, until the baby leaves your body, it is dependent for everything.  Once born, they can do little but breath for themselves, however the separation has begun and eventually you return.  A little at a time, with each new skill learned by the child, a piece of you returns.  In my case, I'd like to hope it is a better piece that I originally had.  In some ways I would liken it to a metamorphosis where your cells are rearranged into something new.  They are still the same cells and you can recognize many things as the same, but many things about you are forever and permantly changed, you can never be exactly the same.

For me at least, this is not an easy process, I often mourn life BC.  Not that I would have give up my children, but I miss browsing bookstores in peace, lunches with girlfriends, going out with my husband.   Reading! I still miss reading like I used to, there just isn't time for it. I didn't understand when someone said reading made them sleepy, I could read all night.  Not now, no matter how bad I want to know what is going to happen next, I often wake up with a book on my chest. I don't usually watch edgy programs on TV since I am too exhausted after the kids go to bed, so sometimes talking about current events is hard for me.  All things that make it hard for me sometimes to talk about something besides the really funny thing that Z said, never mind that it isn't funny unless you were there.

As I look back on the last five years of motherhood, I wonder that I made it this far.  I remember days where the love and responsibility were so overwhelming and crushing I could not see out. My world shrunk to myself and that small bundle that had escaped my body. It was (and still am) relearning how to live life.  Little things like showers, how do I take one with the baby? He wakes up every time I turn it on. (Bouncy seat in the bathroom.)  How do I take a shower with a toddler not content to play with the toys on the floor?  (Have them shower with you.)  I know at least one of you out there is thinking why isn't your husband watching them for you.  Because some times of the year he was out the door at 6:00 a.m. and not home until after dark.  The other reality is that the problems often had solutions but I would get lost in the dark scary cocoon of love, guilt, responsiblity and resentment. 

I've been lucky, I don't think I have lost any friends due to having children. Even though at times I am sure I have been very one dimensonal and only talked about my kids. I'll admit there are plenty that I am not nearly as close too, but I think they understand we are different paths, and we meet up when we can, mothers and non maternal units alike.  Maybe that is wishful thinking, maybe they don't understand as well as I think. Let's face it though it can be tough for even your husband to understand.  So while the comment inspired this post, I hope she and you understand, I am not upset with her.  I can understand where she is coming from, I once was there.  I hope if she reads this, she can understand where "us moms" are coming from, and give us a little slack and help steer us in better directions.  I would be lost without my friends who aren't moms who give me a respite, remind us of my "old" self and help me be pop back out into more dimensons.

While the people on the other side of the fence, the ones without kids, may not be able to understand from personal experience what it that that transition to motherhood is like. I hope they can just understand it is not about them.  Your friend isn't abandoning you, but she is going through something that is so life changing it can be hard to be focused on anything else.  Give her a little leeway, help her out if you can, she is still in there, maybe even feeling trapped. KM I hope in your present state this doesn't scare you, it will be hard at times but you will get through it all, the job, the move, the birth even though it will feel overwhelming at times.