Z is anxiously awaiting Christmas. Every day since we put the tree up, he asks is Santa coming tonight? Max is excited and really wants to play with the ornaments, and packages but he doesn't understand Santa yet. On the way home from the store the other night I took a detour to see some of the lights downtown, the boys ooohed and aahed over the trees decorate near the library.

I do have to admit that I really enjoying being able to look at the world again through my Children's eyes. I watch them enjoy the simple pleasures and can't help but think how I very nearly missed out on this joy.

I didn't really think I wanted kids. I liked kids, if there were small kids in the room, I loved playing with them and holding them. I also really liked that I could give them back to momma. However for various reasons I didn't think I wanted any.

KM and her announcement reminded of a Christmas night about 5 years back. The hubby and I were visiting his parents for the Holidays. We snuck out of the house and drove up the mountain in our truck and parked, talking and enjoying the snow outside the window. We were talking about life and things and the subject of kids came up, the hubby said one of must be broken, since due to medical reasons I had quit using the pill three years before we had become lax and completely quit using anything. We honestly thought we couldn't have kids and neither of us were concerned enough to see a doctor. However suddenly I was overcome with sorrow at the thought. Here I was the girl who vehemently protested wanting kids, crying because maybe I couldn't have any.

Ironically as best as you can calculate those things, it's probable I had become pregnant that very night. I remember about 6 weeks later when I figured it out, I was beside myself with fear at the thought. I called my mother bawling, of course she was ecstatic, but I wasn't sure what to make of it. I still didn't know, I was really scared. I'll admit that in the first few moments I considered some of the legal options, but quickly dismissed them. That was my child! My mother bear instincts kicked in nearly immediately.

I still don't know if I would have decided to ever have kids, if God hadn't decided for me. I am glad he did, it has been one of the most special adventures I have ever undertaken. To think I wasn't brave enough to try it on my own.

I can't believe I might not have ever met these little guys!

My aunt thinks this Christmas miracle was related to my mother's gift that year. Since none of us were going to be at her house she gave us all money towards buying new mattress. My husband and I decided to use it as down payment on a used truck instead. (It had a bed.) Strangely I was soon pregnant and so was my sister-in-law. My aunt says that there was a reason Mom wanted to give us all beds, and her ploy to finally get grandkids worked!

Grace

I have a couple of other posts written but I thought I needed a segue from that last post, it was kind of heavy.

Writing that post was cathartic, part of my gaining peace over the situation. I wasn't necessarily planning on posting it but upon completion it seemed like the natural thing to do, then I worried that I had put way too much out there. All in all, I think setting that bird free was the right thing to do. No, I don't ever intend to send it I think I am where I need to be at.

One of other things I have found hard about this situation is dealing with everyone else's opinions. Even if it is just my perception of their opinion. It's easy to assume people think I am weak for putting up with this whole situation. I am not putting up with it, I am trying to forgive because I realize people make mistakes. I like anyone else have made my share. I am only doing what I would hope would be done for me if I asked forgiveness.

It was a big wound and while it is mostly healed, there are some days it still causes me to limp, especially when I am tired. The concerts and rehearsals last week were fun but exhausting.

I am hopeful we are about to turn another corner for the better. If not, then I tried, and I know I did my best. I also know I am okay either way. I have what I need to get through all this. Thanks for reading (listening) and being supportive, it is appreciated.

Letters written but not delivered

Dear You

 

For the past week I have been looking at you every night from my spot in the choir wondering why God chose to place you and I in the same place.  Why he chose to place me so that you are in my line of sight to the director, where my eyes can't help falling on you  One could argue that this town isn't really that large and that the music community isn't that large, you are an obvious choice for the orchestra, of course you would be there.

 

At dress rehearsal when I looked down and realized that it was you, it took my breath away.  I wondered why he hadn't bothered mentioning you were going to be in the orchestra too.  Unfortunately I couldn't see him as well to see if he was staring at you. Emotions that I thought I had buried suddenly bubbled to the surface. It drove me nuts for a while, eventually I had to settle in, after all I couldn't leave the choir without making a scene. 

 

I tried really hard not to look at you, I don't want to stare, or be caught looking at you.  I wonder how that would make you feel.  I have wanted to talk to you for a while, but always talk myself out of it. However I looked at you much more than I should have and one time caught you scanning the choir and your eyes resting on me.  I was trying to read the emotions on your face as you recognized me One of the reasons I have never contacted you is that I am afraid I would scare you, since you may assume I have a grudge against you.

 

I really don't, as far as I know you did nothing wrong, in fact sometimes I wonder if I should thank you.  His story wasn't a pretty one, embarrassing to tell, embarrassing to hear.  At the time in the midst of the drama, I wanted to call you and say is this all true? Is he telling me the truth? I didn't for a lot of reasons, but mostly because again I thought it would cause more trouble, what was the gain?

 

When he told me he was changing jobs I was relieved for many reasons, but one was that it took him away from you.  You who probably did nothing but try and be a friend to a coworker with unexpected results.  You who were probably traumatized nearly as much as I was.

 

I wonder if you ever thought you were responsible when he said we were separated.  It's not your fault you know, he was the wrong one, and the problems go much deeper than a simple infatuation.  I wonder if you need to hear that.

 

I fear that by acting on this urge to talk to you I will open up a door to things I don't know.  What if he lied to me?  What if he said horrible things about me and you think this is my fault anyway?  What if you are okay and don't need to hear a thing? What if? What if?

 

I've done a lot of praying this week up in that choir.  I've asked God for guidance, I've asked God for peace.  I told God that if he wanted me to talk to you to let us run into one another, literally, I promised not to seek you out.  I wondered what he would do if he saw us talking. Would he be upset?  Then God reminded me of something, that the person I really needed to talk to this about was at home.  The last person I wanted to bring it up with, the person I really needed to talk to about it.  So I took a big gulp of pride and did just that, it was calm, no fighting, only heartfelt conversation.   

 

You know what is funny?  I do feel much more at peace now.  Last night as I sang I praised God with my song in a much more heartfelt manner, you didn't catch my eye very much. I nearly felt drunk after the performance I was so touched and in awe. I meant every word I sang with a renewed devotion.  Six months ago my world crumbled at my feet and in my desperation I cried out to the Lord.  I handed him this life of mine and said, I can't fix it, I am tired of trying.  Please show me the way, please heal me, and he did.  Every time I run into a new hurdle like the shock of seeing you the other night, if I ask he guides me to the right path. 

 

I know I am not the only one in need of healing and I pray that he finds it, you find it.

 

Tonight is the last performance, and there is a party afterward.  I'll be with him and the kids, my family whom I love dearly, even with all our faults.  I may run into you, and I'll smile and speak if God leads me.  May God bless you and keep you, he has done that for me.

 

Sincerely,

Me

Freaky Friday

Just a note.... I am really busy right now.  I am doing a Christmas Cantatata at church, which is a much bigger production than I imagained when I signed on. This week we have 3 or 4 rehearsals and 5 performances.  My family will all be in town this week because my dad is getting into the NM 4-H Hall of Fame.  Work is crazy since I am finding things broken by the freeze and I am suppossed to get a big construction project by Christmas, with less labor than normal.  I have been skipping lunch.  This sounds like a lot, and I have left 2 other factors out, but I am secretly thriving on the pressure, at least that is what I keep telling myself.   Please forgive me if I am not stopping by much right now, I'll get by if I can.  I promise to resume leaving obnoxious comments in a few weeks.

 

I've been tagged by the Princess and since I want to be a good sport, I'll play along.   Although I'll say this is harder than I origninally anticipated.  I don't know why, I always feel like a freak! ; )

 

According to the rules...

Each player of this game starts with the

"6 Weird Things about You".

People who get tagged

 need to write a blog of their own 6 weird things

as well as state this rule clearly. 

In the end, you need to choose 6 people to be tagged and list their names.

Don't forget to leave a comment that says "you are tagged" in their

comments and tell them to read your blog!

 

1. 
   
   I still like to play in the mud, you already knew that, but as I was working the other day, I actually thought how lucky I was.  I did not, repeat did not throw mud balls at anyone.  (Hey it almost never snows here, I have to improvise. )
   
   
2. 
   
   I won't eat pasta, american cheese or mayonaise or miracle whip, same difference.  You know that pasta salad with cheese, mayonaise and peas, that is my food arch nemesis.  (You with the pasta salad, stand back before I blast you with lazer gun!)
   
   
3. 
   
   I can't use anything on my body with fragrance in it, makes me smell like I missed my last two yearly baths.  This has completely ruined bath & body works for me.  Oh yeah and I am allergic to sunscreen, it makes me look and feel like I have a sunburn, even if it is paba free.


4. 
   
   I lost my front tooth roller skating when I was nine.  (I am pretty sure Jay Giles or Queen was playing on the Juke box, maybe even Another One Bites the Dust.)  Right now the crown is infected and coming out and I am too cheap to get my butt to the dentist since the last one screwed up the replacement, and it was expensive. Even though I have insurance now and it shouldn't cost as much.


5. 
   
   I can eat really hot chile.  It's a gift.  I have won bets in an area where nearly everyone eats hot chile.  Today in fact I had some Habenero hot sauce that claimed the devil made it.  I enjoyed the burn, and laughed at the devil, you call this hot?


6. 
   
   I really like bugs, spiders and weeds and plant diseases.  I can get all happy when I find a new spider, bug or fungi.  Just so you don't think I am totally buggy, I hate cockroaches.

Whomever wants to do this.... your tagged.