I have a story I want to tell, should I?

I got an email today from an aunt with a letter from a cousin of mine.  She is a career missionary and served most of the last 20 years or so in Kenya, a few years ago she felt called to certain country formerly ruled by the Taliban. I know our family has often been concerened for her safety in a country where teaching the Gospel is not allowed.  In fact some, maybe even me, at the time I heard of her going there, thought it was foolish and dangerous. I mean I respected her convictions but wondered if it was the right thing to do.

Today I feel ashamed to have thought that.  Proselyting  is something I have viewed with skepticism for some time.  I grew up in a Baptist Church and as you may know, witnessing to others about your relationship with Christ is one of the many things we are called upon to do.  This is something I struggle with.  Perhaps it is as simple as I am scared of others rejection.  I really do hate rejection, I take it to heart as part of my self worth, more than I should.  Perhaps it more about my lack of knowledge, I doubt I could argue with someone and quote scripture to them.  Sometimes I think it is my social conscience, I hate people who tell others what to do. What gives them the right?

However, I do think I have been the receipient of some amazing grace and want to share it, despite what you may think of me.  I do like discussion and don't always think people have to beleive people have to beleive the same as me.  I just want to share my story.  After I all I have a cousin who beleives so strongly she is literally putting her life in jeapordy and here I am keeping silent. 

Until next time that is.  The entry got pretty long so I decided to break it up a bit.

Thank God we were in the pool already!

Okay the mood around here has gotten much too serious.  I don't like that for very long.  My life is never serious for long.

The boys and I have been taking swim lessons this past week.  I say "and I" because at 2 Max is in a Mommy and Me class where we both get in.  Z the big man is in his own class and seems to be doing well on all accounts, I don't see him since I am in a different pool with little brother at the same time.

I have been excited about this for a while, for the last two years I tried to get us registered in Las Cruces, but it they were hard to get into. (Too many people wanted to take them.)  I hoped  that wouldn't be a problem here and have been anxously awaited the announcement in the paper to register.

I was so excited about the prospect I even bought a swimming suit back in March or April.  I spied one at Target (you prounounce that Tar jae if you want to sound fancy).  It is a great suit, brown with turquoise accents, my favorite color combo of the season. I was even feeling so confident to get a three piece, tankini top with bottoms and a skirt.  It has a halter top and is somewhat low cut.  I even had my mother and sister's with me for second and third party affirmations. Girls you know how hard it is to find a suit you love, especially if you are over a certain size! This is a similar suit since I spent so much time explaining it. 

However as you can guess if I am telling you all about this there is a dark brown side to this story. 

Max is 2, 2 years olds are particluar, hence the moniker terrible twos.  He clings to me like a scared cat.  You know the one clinging on for dear life and trying to get on top of your head.  I thought after a few days of this he would become comfortable and particpate in the class more.  It depends on the day.  On Thursday I thought I had found the perfect scenario.  I leaned against the wall and he was more comforable letting his feet float out and then he even wanted to turn around.  I was thrilled.  Although he was still clinging to my suit as he turned to face out.  Once we got all turned around we started floating out in the pool.  Sucesss!!!  Of course it was around then I felt something funny on my back and realize my halter had come untied, freeing the girls.

Luckily none of the dads brought kids that day it was just us mommies, and the sweet instructor helped fix me up.  No one pointed and laughed in front of me at least.  It wasn't quite as bad as the dreams I used to have where I showed up to school and somehow had forgotten to wear clothing. Oh and guess what? We have another week coming up, I can't wait!

I tend to get a bit worked up about this...

I received an email recently with a photo of a grave without a headstone, claiming it was Casey Sheehan's grave the son of Cindy Sheehan.  This email went on to tell about how Sheehan hadn't even raised her son and that he had been raised by his father because she gave up custody and how she had given up custody of another son to her latest ex-husband. Essentially the email said, she's a bad mother and a bad example.

According to Snopes this email is false, and about the only things correct in it are her name, her sons name, that he died in Iraq and she is a war protestor. 

Whether you agree with her politics or not, is it right to attack people's character with lies?  I think most of us can agree that is not. Very few of us would not knowingly spread such rumors about people, and be very upset if lies were spread about us.

Yet most of us do it every day. We get an email and we forward it to everyone in our address book.  There are rarely if ever any sources to back up these claims.   We rarely bother to check them if there are. 

Recently I received another with some very interesting statistics about our troops in Iraq that claimed the media misrepresents the situation.  It even had a link to a US Military web page as a source, however the link didn't go to a page that was even related to the email, nor did a search of the website reveal  verify any statistics.  Unable to verify the facts, I deleted it, I refuse to pass  on possible lies.

It is not just people maligned of course, there are companies and products hurt by this form of attack as well.  It gets to the point that you don't know what to believe.  So when something actually valid comes along, the tendency to discount it is high, unless you feel like taking time to check the source.

Therein lies one of the problems with the internet, false information and half truths abound. The reason why I just am not sure I could ever trust Wikipedia about much of anything.

This isn't a diatribe against forwards but I would like to encourage caution, words are powerful and they can cut and hurt.  We all have a responsibility to not pass on lies, gossips or half truths repeated out of context.  Just like we do in real life.

 

By the way, if you heard from a little birdie that I am really an alien posing as a wise and good looking woman who shops at Target after using Purell hand gel to keep away germs and happens to herd nerfs, well it is only partly true.

What do you mean you don't want to hear about my kids' poop?

Barnyard mama had an interesting post a couple of weeks ago about changing teams.  Not so long ago she was a married young adult without kids.  Now that she is expecting her first, she realizes she is changing into one of them, a group of people she couldn't relate to a year ago.

I laughed when I read it since my husband and I, B.C (before children) had decided that parents must belong to some sort of cult.  They (parents) were always trying to recruit us. Married for five years without kids, to some we were kind of odd.  Without any regard to the possible reasons we were constantly being barraged with the question: "So when are you going to have kids."  When we would answer we weren't planning to, they would keep at it. "Why not?  It's great! You should try it, it will change your life."  To be quite frank I found it annoying, and wondered what was up with these jerks.  I could have had infertility problems and just didn't want to tell you about.  (Since 99% of the time these questions came from people we didn't really know.)  I in no way wanted to become one of "them." As many of you are aware, God had other plans that circumvented our plans and we were blessed to become parents, we changed sides.  Except I refuse to recruit, I don't think it is any of my business to ask.  If asked, I will tell people it is the hardest job you will ever love.

However when I read this one particular comment about KM's post, I felt stung. 

As one of the ones not in that place right now (or maybe ever), I have to say that it is, in fact, very difficult to maintain friendships with pregnant women.  I really just cannot relate.  I never know what to say to them because I am totally uninterested in pretty much anything baby.  I think the key is to continue to talk about the kinds of things you talked about pre-pregnancy.  Do the same kind of things you did pre-baby.  When it's all about the baby, it's just like, "I don't want to be friends with an infant...I want to be friends with my friend." 

Also, when women become nothing more than moms, when their entire identities become wrapped up in that one role (which is when all they talk about is the baby), when they lose their individual personalities, when they lose who they were pre-baby, it's just too impossible to maintain friendships with them.  I don't want to be friend's with John's mom; I want to be friends with Sue.  In other words, don't lose Katy in the midst of having baby.  It's not like you were nothing before you got pregnant, so don't just become a pregnancy or later just a mom.  Youa re other things, too.  And I think it's important to embrace all your roles, all your parts, so you don't lose yourself, or your friendships.

I've had some friends who got pregnant, and we just aren't friends anymore.  We literally no longer had anything in common.  They became nothing more than moms. They lost who theyw ere pre-baby.  But I also believe that people enter our lives at different times for different reasons, and sometimes we outgrow old friendships and need to form new ones.  It doesn't mean those old friends were or are any less important to you or who you are.  It doesn't mean you love or appreciate them any less.

(While I know you can easily find out who wrote this comment, I wanted to leaver her name out of it until she had a chance to read the post, she inspired me and this is NOT an attack on her.)

I woke up the next morning thinking about it. It stung because there is so much truth in that comment, as mom's we do loose ourselves.  I think most if not all moms can relate to that, the loss of self.  On the other hand, you probably cannot understand if you haven't been there.   In fact I would rate it in the top three drawbacks of becoming a mother, loss of self, disciplining your child, and the constant barrage of bodily fluids you never wanted to know so well. 

I guess the comment stung me because I don't know how one can avoid it.  You and the baby inside you are almost one entity, until the baby leaves your body, it is dependent for everything.  Once born, they can do little but breath for themselves, however the separation has begun and eventually you return.  A little at a time, with each new skill learned by the child, a piece of you returns.  In my case, I'd like to hope it is a better piece that I originally had.  In some ways I would liken it to a metamorphosis where your cells are rearranged into something new.  They are still the same cells and you can recognize many things as the same, but many things about you are forever and permantly changed, you can never be exactly the same.

For me at least, this is not an easy process, I often mourn life BC.  Not that I would have give up my children, but I miss browsing bookstores in peace, lunches with girlfriends, going out with my husband.   Reading! I still miss reading like I used to, there just isn't time for it. I didn't understand when someone said reading made them sleepy, I could read all night.  Not now, no matter how bad I want to know what is going to happen next, I often wake up with a book on my chest. I don't usually watch edgy programs on TV since I am too exhausted after the kids go to bed, so sometimes talking about current events is hard for me.  All things that make it hard for me sometimes to talk about something besides the really funny thing that Z said, never mind that it isn't funny unless you were there.

As I look back on the last five years of motherhood, I wonder that I made it this far.  I remember days where the love and responsibility were so overwhelming and crushing I could not see out. My world shrunk to myself and that small bundle that had escaped my body. It was (and still am) relearning how to live life.  Little things like showers, how do I take one with the baby? He wakes up every time I turn it on. (Bouncy seat in the bathroom.)  How do I take a shower with a toddler not content to play with the toys on the floor?  (Have them shower with you.)  I know at least one of you out there is thinking why isn't your husband watching them for you.  Because some times of the year he was out the door at 6:00 a.m. and not home until after dark.  The other reality is that the problems often had solutions but I would get lost in the dark scary cocoon of love, guilt, responsiblity and resentment. 

I've been lucky, I don't think I have lost any friends due to having children. Even though at times I am sure I have been very one dimensonal and only talked about my kids. I'll admit there are plenty that I am not nearly as close too, but I think they understand we are different paths, and we meet up when we can, mothers and non maternal units alike.  Maybe that is wishful thinking, maybe they don't understand as well as I think. Let's face it though it can be tough for even your husband to understand.  So while the comment inspired this post, I hope she and you understand, I am not upset with her.  I can understand where she is coming from, I once was there.  I hope if she reads this, she can understand where "us moms" are coming from, and give us a little slack and help steer us in better directions.  I would be lost without my friends who aren't moms who give me a respite, remind us of my "old" self and help me be pop back out into more dimensons.

While the people on the other side of the fence, the ones without kids, may not be able to understand from personal experience what it that that transition to motherhood is like. I hope they can just understand it is not about them.  Your friend isn't abandoning you, but she is going through something that is so life changing it can be hard to be focused on anything else.  Give her a little leeway, help her out if you can, she is still in there, maybe even feeling trapped. KM I hope in your present state this doesn't scare you, it will be hard at times but you will get through it all, the job, the move, the birth even though it will feel overwhelming at times.