I'm so White it's my last name?

Race.

It's swirling around in many of our heads.

I keep wondering why I even need to write about it, when others seem imminently more qualified.

I know in many ways I could live my my life and not even be negatively effected by it, much less affected.

We (my husband and I) joke about being white all the time. I should clarify it really is our last name. Stinking white people. Dirty white boys and the abovementioned title are some of the things flung around in jest in our house.

I cringe inside a bit everytime I write my name on the board. Somehow it brings up those stupid fears of being racist in me. Why? I guess because I don't like think I am so white it's my last name.

I have a mean Spanish accent. Go ahead throw Estrella, Espirion, or Xochitl at me, I can say it. I rock at calling roll. I can cook and eat chile hot enough to burn you twice. I still listen to my favorite Latin music all the time. One kid last week made me smile after roll call when he said, maybe you aren't so white after all Miss.

I see the disparity in the class rooms. The difference between the white kid with the smart mouth or the Mexican kid who doesn't feel like he's expected to achieve. How the classes that aren't in the college prep track are predominately one color. I asked the kids in Environmental Science last week if they knew how much money an Environmental Scientists earns, they told me: We aren't going to college Miss, we are just in here because we aren't smart enough. I suggested maybe college wasn't out of their reach.

Even though I realize all that, I don't know what it's like to be a Mexican American. I realize I have an easier pass than many, because I don't have to fight to get my foot in the door. No one looks at me and assumes I am up to trouble, or there to apply for housekeeping.

Tonight I sat in a room full of parents for my son's preschool. I was in the minority by far. Everything was dual language because they want all parents to be able to participate. (By the way New Mexico is a dual langage state, we have two OFFICIAL languages.) I have to admit I wondered if the other parents wondered why I was there. Why had I enrolled my kid at headstart? Did I lie to get in?

The reality is that I was looking for a real preschool to take Z too since he is 5 but missed the cutoff for kindergarten. The reality is I couldn't afford daycare much less the very exclusive and expensive preschool in town. Since we had taken a huge pay cut moving here I thought I would try qualifying for headstart. We were over because of last years income, but they have to take a few over-income kids, so we got lucky.

I felt a stab of guilt, maybe we are taking a slot of someone who deserves it more. I felt guilty because if I had asked Great Grandma or Grandma, they probably would have helped pay for a school. My husband asked me why didn't our kid didn't deserve to get in?

A few people turned their noses up and wondered why I wanted him to go there. Didn't I know they only take poor kids. (i.e. Mexican kids?)

My hope is that Z not only improves his readiness for school but also learns to appreciate the other cultures here. I hope he remembers being the minority and what that feels like if you get excluded because you are white, brown or purple. I still remember the sting Gringa had in grade school, when I learned someone would make assumptions about me without knowing me. Not knowing I didn't count myself better and my best friend and I enjoyed hot tortillas off the griddle, frijoles and chicle. I hope he learns being a Gringo isn't so bad and neither is being a Messican. I hope he learns that privilege shouldn't be related to the color of your skin, the sound of your last name or the size of your bank account.

There is such a thing as too much togetherness!

I am having trouble deciding where to start.

Do I explain my absence?

Do I start in on a heavy topic?

Go for the funny?

I guess I'll start with the first and decide on the rest later.

I realized it has been a few days since I have posted. *ahem weeks*

No one has left me any desperate inquires. *knock knock are you still alive
in there?*

You may have thought I joined the ranks of those who have dropped off the
blogosphere without warning. *Hint Hint Jeanie.*

Really the problem is that my computer access has been limited of late, the
time I have had was spent trying to make every extra spare dime on ebay
possible.

Why? Well for the last three weeks the hubby and I have both been
unemployed. Well not really, technically I am employed. I had signed up to
substitute teach before my husband resigned. It just doesn't feel like a
real job. So I started taking assignments, he looked for work and played
stay at home daddy. I scrambled to get all my listings up on ebay and work
and clean. Did I mention he has a text twist and mine sweeper addiction. So
I had to share the computer with him.

I was told I make the children share so I have to too. Sounds illogical to
me.

Good news though, he started work yesterday.

Bad news it is a pretty huge paycut while he is training and so I will be
continuing to sub.

Good news is that give me some days to maybe take some time and write while
I am doing working. For instance today I am watching the In School
Suspension kids at the junior high. There is only one and they are refusing
help so I am free to do as I please. Aren't you lucky??

Why can't we just be friends? Come on please?

As my life seems to evolve more around the cyberworld, I wonder about our real life interactions.

I know when I came here and starting blogging it soon became my biggest window to the outside world.  I felt strange at first.  Thinking I should have more "real life" friends.  However I was in one of those transition times when my real life friends and I weren't that close anymore.  My best friend had moved away and my other friends were childless and busy with other things, not hanging out at my house watching my kid drool.

Family and friends were too busy to write an actual email instead of forwards. I had a goal of writing one person a day, few felt like they had time to respond.  Talking on the phone was  a challenge  with two little guys to chase after or get into mischief while mommy's distracted. 

Mommies at the park seemed aloof with that judging looks in their eyes.  Seriously did she let her son wear a superman cape and cowboy boots? He isn't going to fit in at school.  That kid didn't wait his turn, even though she got on to him, we can't be playing together.  On the days I felt included enough to listen in, my fears were confirmed by what they said about other moms.  So then I joined the fringes the moms who smile politely at the other moms but don't really try to make friends because you never know if they are a mommy shark or not.

Soon I realized that this was my adult conversations, my place to vent and try to figure life out.  I could be more open than I would be with my family and my friends.  If  someone judged me.. well it still hurt but it was easier to not to continue the friendship.  Luckily I have never been popular enough to attract more than one troll.  Unlike some of my more popular cyber friends, who are troll magnets.

The more mommy websites I see and join or blogs I read it seems that there are so many people like me.  Looking for a "real" connection, a conversation the passes the accepted "How are you" with the expected reply of "Fine, How are you, " without any connection and no meaning.  Help my husband won't take the kids by himself and I am exhausted.  I saw one post recently that was titled My husband hates me.  I thought it is great we have a place to vent because the reality is you can't go venting that to your casual girlfriends that is for sure, and surely not to Mom or Best Friend who may hold it against him long after you have worked it out.

But then I wonder, if so many of us are looking for that real connection, the ones that mean something why can't we do it in non cyber life?  Wouldn't it be nicer if when you went to the park with your kids and you made friends instead of stayed on the sidelines.  Surely some of those women have to be the some ones struggling just like me on those web pages.  Why do we as people judges each other so harshly?  Why can't we strip down the things we are worried about others thinking of us and just be? 

Beans, Beans the Magical Fruit

In my ongoing efforts to be of service to my friends, I am going to tell you about a recent family experience.

My husband brought home some candy from his store one evening. He thought the kids would like it.

 

I was a bit nervous after reading the flavors and noticing they were made by the Jelly Belly Bean company.  I do recall the buttered popcorn flavor and how it really tasted just like popcorn with the entirely wrong texture.  However I assume no one would really make a sausage flavored jelly bean, or booger, right?

Harry Potter fans may recall Ron telling Harry they were Bertie Bott's Every Flavor beans and they do mean every flavor.  Or how Dumbledore said he lost his appetite for them after getting a vomit flavored one in his youth.

So when hubby started telling me of his experience with his late night sugar snack he stole from our precious babies, you can understand why I was died laughing.

 

He said the soap wasn't too bad, but as he made his way through the flavors he informed me he gagged on Sausage and then.... I stopped laughing and then???  I couldn't believe he continued to eat them.  He then proceeded to tell me incredulously that they had a boogey flavored one. Complete with a speckled green coloration with red flecks in it.  What is perhaps worse is that there is rotten egg, vomit and plenty of gag inducing flavors. 

 

 

 

Now knowing what I now knew, you would think that was the last of my hard earned money to be spent on these atrocities.  However it wasn't, once again on a visit to daddies store the boys wanted them.  Now this is where my evil mother genius mind kicks in. I though maybe they will stop asking for candy all the time after they get a load of these.  Just for the record it didn't work.  They didn't like them but it hasn't curbed their candy like at all.  Just for the record too, I tried a couple.  Soap really wasn't too bad, however after the tiniest possible bite off a small jelly bean I found out they weren't lying about Bacon flavor and that was as far as my squeamish stomach wanted to go...

 

While they are undoubtedly the most disgusting candy I will ever try, according to this guy they aren't the worst out there, he has a top 10 of the grossest candy out there.