I Don't Even Like to Wear Aprons.

I think I got the writing bug back, I have been blogging in my mind again, it had been a while.  (So beware, He He Haw Haw.)

The previously mentioned problem that I was stuck on, I decided needs to get broken up a bit into a few entries to deal with.  I'll start with the easiest aspect of it.

I am no longer working.  Technically I can go back to substitute teaching whenever I want, but I don't have any immediate plans of doing so.  I have a hard time being unemployed, even by choice.  I suppose it just rubs me the wrong way.  As my sister and I were discussing it, she mentioned not feeling like we are contributing.  Which is of course ridiculous, while not glamorous, taking care of our families is work.  However I wonder is it a job?

I have a few feelings about that.  Truth be told I am not treating it like I would a job, which is part of the problem.  I don't think I have ever been so unorganized in my life.  I could blame part of that on living in a small space with not enough real room to do what all I have going on.  Of course I just internalize it and think maybe I am not cut out for this.

The reality is that I am so busy that at times I feel overwhelmed.  I don't sit around watching TV all day.  I am happy if I get to watch a show I want during the day once a week.  Getting Zach to school and back, keeping up with Max,  helping take care of my grandmothers and the volunteering I signed up for keep me very busy.  Not to mention things like housework, cleaning out the old house, ebay and getting all the things done I need to do for my landscaping business.

Since I am not walking into a place of employment every day, getting a regular paycheck and having an answer when someone asks what I do, I feel inferior.  I had read an article a while back lambasting women who go to college get a degree go to  work for a while and then stay home with their kids and either lose their careers or set themselves back from their peers by getting out of the workforce.

Will I regret not having a work sponsered retirement plan?  We could really use the extra income. I wonder if I have gotten too tied up in having it all. Am I making a poor choice for the long term? God forbid, but what if I need to be the breadwinner and this choice sets me back?

I won't lie I worry about getting the kind of job I want when someone looks at my resume and sees the gaps in employment when I have stayed home.  I also won't lie about daydreaming of staying home when I was working and tired and feeling like I needed more time with my boys. In my dream world I have my own business with my own schedule, however I am scared because it is a big risk.

I have been praying about the right path and to be frank I didn't like the answer I got, right now stay home.  Even still  I scheduled a day subbing and quite frankly the day was a disaster in terms of babysitting and things going on at home.   While no one in my family asked me to, I told them I was taking a break that day from subbing.  At the time, one grandmother was in the hospital, my mom was sick and not sleeping much since she was staying in the hospital room with my her.  Then just as the one grandmother got to come home from the hospital the other was hospitalized for a few nights.

Now I spend at least two to three days a week with my grandmothers while Z is in school and I am going to going to work on my ebay store and landscaping business. I am not complaining just stating the facts.  One of my grandmothers is dying and I appreciate the time with her. The other isn't technically dying but is 84 and who knows what God has in store for her.

I have to wonder in light of that fact, why I even worry about it.  Taking care of family is what the generations of women before me did.  Luckily that is not the only thing in life I have been pigeonholed for, I have so many options.  I have faith in God's time I will be very successful, and put that degree to use again. I have faith financial securtiy is in my reach.  I  should simply enjoy my toddler, my preschooler and grandmothers because soon the kids will be in school and the grandmothers in heaven.