Infinite Grace 2008

Oh, life has been a whirlwind lately. Isn't that always the case, especially as the holidays approach?

Before I update on current events I was recently revisiting some memories and want to share.

Three years ago I climbed into a car with my mom and one of her best friends to head to Phoenix for the weekend. I was apprehensive and nervous. We were heading to a Woman's conference, and while I was excited about the trip. I wasn't excited about the drive. I knew at some point I was going to get questioned by my mom and her friend (who I have know the better part of my life) about what was going on with me. If my husband and I were going to get divorced or if I was going to take him back. We were in the middle of a separation at the time. He was finally starting to make a turn around and I was trying to make it work, but not compromise. Hard time. I knew my mom and her friend, were incensed on my behalf and wanted me to not get hurt again.

There was another group of ladies going with us. One climbed in our car for a while and boy was I glad, since that would take the pressure off me. As we got to talking she told us her story about how her husband had an affair and the ensuing aftermath and how a few years later they were both remarried and attending the same church and navigating the co parenting arena. I felt bad because as I listened to her story, I stared out my window as the tears quietly rolled down my face. I couldn't face her or speak for fear of completely losing it and making a fool of myself. Her story hit too close to home, the possiblilty of this being my future.

When we got to the conference, I recall timidly singing along with the singers in the beginning. Realizing that I just entered an arena full of approx 12,000 women. I recall when the first speaker got up, she talked about how she had been on one of those Christian TV networks and I remember skeptically thinking, oh she is one of "those" people. As Sheila Walsh continued she detailed a mental breakdown and how her life was really transformed by God, Istarted to change my mind. Maybe these speakers, these singers would be someone I could relate to. By the time we started back home, I was better able to speak honestly with my mom and her friend about what was going on in my life and how my husband I were still working toward healing. After listening to the many stories of God's grace, I had the courage to do what did not seem like the easy option and forgive my husband and myself and move on with our marriage.

We went again last year, by then I had moved back to where my parents live, with my husband and was still embarking on a new life. At the time, I think my husband was starting a new job after his first endeavor hadn't gone well. We had just weathered one of those tests where I thought I was going to lose him again to that terrible Balrog of depression. This year, I couldn't help marvel at how much my life changes every time I go. As I laugh, cry and dance throughout the conference, I cannot help but feel so renewed at the end. The speakers are always so open to tell about their trials, failures, and subsequent successes. Never do I feel preached at by someone who just doesn't get what my life is about.

Here are a couple of links to some of my favorite segments from this years Women of Faith conference. Whether it is listening to spunky Patsy Clairmont speak, Sandi Patty bringing the house down with her husband, Nicole C. Mullins rocking it, or Anita Renfroe making me laugh, I had a great time.

I also can't help but thank my mom for including my sister and I and paying our way on these trips. Enjoying some time with them is always special. We already have tickets for next year, for the Phoenix conference in October. They meet all over the country and I highly recommend attending one near you. Of course I would always welcome you joining our group in Phoenix.

Forgive and Forget

Last week was vacation bible school at my church. This year and last I have volunteered to be a group leader. I get a group of kids and take them from class to class. I really enjoy it, which is kind of odd for me in a way since if asked I will tell you I am terrified of teaching grade school. (Thankfully I have never been asked when subbing.) I don't mind a small group though, and the kids are lots of fun. I just have to keep my teachers pet tendencies under control when we are in the big class and not raise my hand to answer questions. Apparently you are supposed to let the kids answer. (I'd like to think I am smarter than a first grader, ha ha.)

Wednesday's theme was choose forgiveness. I think that theme is so important and of course I want to take it beyond what a first grader understands. Choosing forgiveness, whether it is because you need forgiveness or need to forgive someone else can change your life.

Several years ago, I learned that forgiveness can really change your life. Without giving you all the sordid details, let's just say that my husband and I had a bit of challenging relationship before we were married too. So when we decided to get married after an two year break up some people in my family were not supportive at all. My parents accepted that we had both changed and grown in that time. However one uncle, whom I lived with at the time, did not. He was vehemently oppossed and told me so often. He even refused to come to the wedding. It hurt a lot. It really caused a divide with that family. For a long time it hurt badly and when I would think of them I would get knots in my stomach. I loved them and wished for things to be the way they were before. At some point I chose to let it go, forgive and be forgiven. I no longer felt knots.

One of the most blessed things about my recent trip to Oklahoma was that I saw that uncle for the first time in 8 or 9 years. He cannot travel much anymore, and I have seen my aunt at various family events over the years. When we drove up and surprised them, and I took my boys over to meet him, I was surprised when I couldn't even speak. Because despite any past hurts, I still loved and cared and letting that hurt go so long ago, left us open to have a good visit.

Even in the case of that job I described a while back, where I honestly was wrongly treated, I chose to forgive. That kind of anger was eating me up, quite frankly I was ugly while I held on to it. It wasn't until I forgave that was happy again. When our marriage hit rock bottom, two years ago, someone suggested to me there are some things in a marriage you cannot forgive. However, we found it for each other and moved on. It wasn't easy in either case, I had to let go of some hurts I really wanted to hold on to. Especially the ones that made me feel like I was right and they were wrong.

I have heard a lot of people say, I could never anyone who (fill in the blank) me. I have seen people who wouldn't speak to a sibling over who got what when mom died. I have seen parents fight over a child, for no other reason that they could not forgive themselves or each other. I have also seen families reconciled, broken families healed, because the chose to forgive.

While we use the phrase forgive and forget. The forgetting is the hard part, obviously you want to remember so you don't fall into the same situation again. However if we truly forgive we cannot go about hitting the forgiven on the head with past wrongs either. No matter how good that feels at the moment, it doesn't bring lasting happiness either.

So I challenge anyone who is wronged to choose to forgive and forget. Whoever you need to forgive is probably wrong, but do it for you not them. I recently read a fiction book called The Shack by William P. Young that address forgiveness of an almost unimaginable sort. While I advocate forgiveness, I wonder if I could even approach the forgiveness that the main character in this book is asked to choose. It is rarely easy as even as I write this I can think of a few small hurts I am holding on to, that I need to let go of. As I said it is not easy and I don't pretend to have forgiven perfectly myself.

Sometimes we think choosing forgiveness lets the other person off easy, but in reality the person it frees is you. At some point or other in our lives we have all been the recipient of generous forgiveness for someone we wronged, didn't that feel good? Besides if God can forgive us, then who are we to not forgive someone else.