Infinite Grace 2008

Oh, life has been a whirlwind lately. Isn't that always the case, especially as the holidays approach?

Before I update on current events I was recently revisiting some memories and want to share.

Three years ago I climbed into a car with my mom and one of her best friends to head to Phoenix for the weekend. I was apprehensive and nervous. We were heading to a Woman's conference, and while I was excited about the trip. I wasn't excited about the drive. I knew at some point I was going to get questioned by my mom and her friend (who I have know the better part of my life) about what was going on with me. If my husband and I were going to get divorced or if I was going to take him back. We were in the middle of a separation at the time. He was finally starting to make a turn around and I was trying to make it work, but not compromise. Hard time. I knew my mom and her friend, were incensed on my behalf and wanted me to not get hurt again.

There was another group of ladies going with us. One climbed in our car for a while and boy was I glad, since that would take the pressure off me. As we got to talking she told us her story about how her husband had an affair and the ensuing aftermath and how a few years later they were both remarried and attending the same church and navigating the co parenting arena. I felt bad because as I listened to her story, I stared out my window as the tears quietly rolled down my face. I couldn't face her or speak for fear of completely losing it and making a fool of myself. Her story hit too close to home, the possiblilty of this being my future.

When we got to the conference, I recall timidly singing along with the singers in the beginning. Realizing that I just entered an arena full of approx 12,000 women. I recall when the first speaker got up, she talked about how she had been on one of those Christian TV networks and I remember skeptically thinking, oh she is one of "those" people. As Sheila Walsh continued she detailed a mental breakdown and how her life was really transformed by God, Istarted to change my mind. Maybe these speakers, these singers would be someone I could relate to. By the time we started back home, I was better able to speak honestly with my mom and her friend about what was going on in my life and how my husband I were still working toward healing. After listening to the many stories of God's grace, I had the courage to do what did not seem like the easy option and forgive my husband and myself and move on with our marriage.

We went again last year, by then I had moved back to where my parents live, with my husband and was still embarking on a new life. At the time, I think my husband was starting a new job after his first endeavor hadn't gone well. We had just weathered one of those tests where I thought I was going to lose him again to that terrible Balrog of depression. This year, I couldn't help marvel at how much my life changes every time I go. As I laugh, cry and dance throughout the conference, I cannot help but feel so renewed at the end. The speakers are always so open to tell about their trials, failures, and subsequent successes. Never do I feel preached at by someone who just doesn't get what my life is about.

Here are a couple of links to some of my favorite segments from this years Women of Faith conference. Whether it is listening to spunky Patsy Clairmont speak, Sandi Patty bringing the house down with her husband, Nicole C. Mullins rocking it, or Anita Renfroe making me laugh, I had a great time.

I also can't help but thank my mom for including my sister and I and paying our way on these trips. Enjoying some time with them is always special. We already have tickets for next year, for the Phoenix conference in October. They meet all over the country and I highly recommend attending one near you. Of course I would always welcome you joining our group in Phoenix.

Have you ever wandered?

I am such the consummate substitute teacher I even substitute teach Sunday School at church.

I have to admit have been feeling rather inadequate for such a task lately. However despite my hesitations, sometimes I am glad I can't say no to my old Sunday School teacher, because I already learned something and I haven't even taught the lesson yet.

This week's lesson is on Cain and Abel from Genesis 4. As I read the lesson I wondered once again, why God would reject Cain's offering. Why was Abel's better? As I reread the story in my study bible, several things stood out.

There isn't a reason given for God's rejection of Cain's offering. However the KJV uses the word, respect. God did not respect his offering. My study bible in the notes goes on to mention how perhaps it was Cain's attitude, or perhaps he brought the wormy apples no one would eat. I think I have spent the better part of my life thinking of this story the wrong way. I always assumed God rejected the plants over the animal. However it would appear to be more attitude related.

I found vs 6, 7 most interesting:

6And the LORD said unto Cain, Why art thou wroth? and why is thy countenance fallen?

7If thou doest well, shalt thou not be accepted? and if thou doest not well, sin lieth at the door. And unto thee shall be his desire, and thou shalt rule over him.

After God rejected the offering, he tried to reason with Cain, just like I do with my boys? Yes, I chastised you, but that was (dangerous, wrong, mean, etc.) and that bad attitude is going to get you in trouble. I think I thought he just rejected Cain and then Cain killed his brother. The real story is about attitude and letting seeds of hate, jealousy or whatever sin we are holding on to take us down the wrong path of further sin.

Mostly I am thinking OUCH. I resemble that attitude far too often, I know the part of the petulant child well. As a parent, I just want my child to straighten up and go in a safe direction. Is it possible that is all my father wants to?

I am thankful a heartfelt prayer, an attitude ajustment and that simple reminder will probably change the course of my day. I am thankful, that even though I mess up, my heavenly father still loves me and just sets me on the right path.

Just curious, what were (are) your thoughts on this bible classic?

Prepping them for adulthood

Recently while participating in the fair, I was pondering what I want my boys to be involved in, how I want them to grow up. I won't lie, I worry sometimes what people think about those kind of activities. Do they think we are dumb because we think it is fun to chase a pig? Do they think we are uneducated rubes?

I'd like to think our children are going to get a unique education. Daddy with a music degree and manager of a Symphony, mommy with an agriculture degree and a love of bugs and plants and cows.

I couldn't help think I want them to learn how to handle animals for a thousand reasons, but mainly because learning how to handle situations that seem impossible, like getting a 2000 lb animal to behave. If you can't muster some self confidence in that situation, you wont succeed.

I want them to play sports and have a coach who pushes them to their physical limits so they understand sometimes we push past what we think we can do physically and triumph. I want them to lose a big game and get back in the play the next one like it didn't happen.

I want them to master an instrument so they can know the beauty and release of music in all it's forms. Whether it be Cash, Mozart,Black Flag, Persechetti, Bob Wills or Metallica (the old stuff). The hard work, the mastering of rhythms that seem to complex on the first try and then roll off the tongue or fingers by the last.

I want them to learn that education comes from experience, while books guide and give direction they aren't a replacement for having been there and done that.

I want them to understand Love, not the sugary candy flavored romantic love sold in the media, but real unconditional love. I want them to understand the grace of God and its transforming power.

Recently I happened upon a blog where a mom said this.. You want to hear a real punk rock mommy parenting tip… I always believed that it was not my job to raise good children but rather to prepare my children for adulthood. Everything you teach them as children ought to be for the purpose of having them be strong, healthy, and independent adults. (Punk Rock Mommy. June 19, 2008*)

I had never thought of it that way, but that is exactly what I want to prepare them for adulthood so they are strong and capable but still know how to have fun. Don't get me wrong, I want to have good kids, but from the inside out, you know not just well mannered in front of the right people.

What did your parents do to prepare you for to be an adult?

*For more about Punk Rock Mommy please see the comment section.

Getting things out of my head.

I have three things whirling about in my head right now lets see if I can connect them all in a way that makes sense.

#1 What kind of blog is my blog? I had found a blog listing thing called Momsdotcom. I threw my name in the ring, they wanted to know where I fit in. I don't really know. While I am not opposed to mommy blog, that is obviously not my only topic. Nor is it crafts, relationships, gardening or whatever I choose to blog about. Probably one of the reasons I am not commercially successful at blogging, but that is not really why I do it either. (That last comment is tongue in cheek, I would take the money, but I am not willing to do what it takes to get it either.)

#2 There was a category for Christian blogs or Christian moms, again something I don't hit on in every entry, but I am a Christian. Honestly while, I feel like my faith is stronger than ever, I am hesitant sometimes about hitting my readers about the head with it. I know I have a diverse group who do not believe the same as I. Sometimes I wonder if that is an excuse.

#3 Spiritually I find myself at a branching point. While we are growing, we are having to find ways to mix the old with the new a lot lately. One of the advantages and reasons we moved was to start over. In particular my husband felt like he needed to be separated from some things that were destructive in his life. Lately we have had several opportunities to be with old friends, who I hold dear, but I worry about him missing his old life when he is with them. For a long time he wanted to escape reality with them instead of come home to wife and two kids. I think we have moved past that but the specter of it happening again makes my gut churn.

#4 There are certain two people in my life, whom I will not name, who bicker a lot and I often feel caught in the middle. Today was a prime example of them both assuming the worst of each other and bickering about what they think the other one means or wants. I love them but want to shout, BE THE HERO, let it go and just listen, give them the benefit of the doubt, you could be good friends, without all the drama. (If you are one of those two people and you happen to read this remember I love you both.)

In conclusion, I think I should take my advice from #4 there and apply to to #3 and try and find a way to discuss this with my hubby instead of assuming it will cause a big fight. And maybe find a way to better employ #2 in my life in a more outward way. I have been neglecting my bible study and after taking the time to do it today, I can feel more confident that we will get through this bump too, we have to face these issues sometime. #1 will probably never be resolved, I don't see myself sticking to any one topic for long.

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