Who knows the plans he has for me?

I wasn't going to post about this because quite frankly it hurts still.

I already lost my awesome job. While out on our rounds on Monday and Tuesday, they lost a several hundred acres and I could tell it worried my new employer. She said it usually evens out, but on Friday she called and said the rest of the week hadn't produced any more and she was afraid that was going to have to be the end for now, it was too big of a hit for them to support having me on as well.

Of course I worry about what I did wrong. Logic tells me that I didn't do anything but still my mind can think of a billion stupid things.

This week I have had two friends in California laid off, and know the hits to their family is far worse than the hit mine is taking.

Of course the reality is that we have a money situation facing us that I know is going to put us in the hole if we have to rely on our current incomes. I really do need a job that is providing me with more work that subbing is right now.

So all weekend long in quiet moments I obsess about which not as ideal job as the last one should I apply for. This morning I literally wake up worrying and have knots in my stomach about what is coming up this week. I pray as I work in my garden, getting out some frustration, I tell God which job I think is best and why... wondering what will happen... how will we pay this bill now. I want answers about why this great opportunity was dangled in my face and so abruptly taken away.

I try to enter church on Sunday mornings with a clean heart and clean conscious. I think I need to read and pray before church today. As I open my bible Jeremiah, 29:11 comes to mind, I wonder why? I am only on chapter 2 of Jeremiah. So I look it up and remember making a graphic of this verse as a present for a friend.

I feel a peace come over me as I try to remember that while I may not be in control right now, someone far more powerful is, who has seen me through much much worse circumstances.

Then I was checking out Renee Swope's Blog, The Journey of my Heart, and it was dead on for me this weekend. Writing on Phillipians 4:5-7 she states "In the NIV translation, Verse 7 says, "the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Oh that God's peace would transcend my need to understand! Sometimes that is my biggest problem, I can accept what God is doing if He'd just help me understand why He's doing it that way." Wow, that describes me to a T!

So I felt moved to share from place of hurt, because I am sure I am not the only one wondering why? What will I do now? What did I do wrong? I know trusting that I am in the right place doing the right thing is so very very hard when things don't go my way.

I also found this graphic I had made while looking for the one from Jeremiah. I really cannot think of a better conclusion than this, and marvel how when I asked for peace about this situation how many great examples I happened across this morning.

In good times and in bad.

I had one of those days of great heights, lowest lows and all the tangled emotions in between.

Today was the big symphony concert with Michael Martin Murphy. My husband is the manager of the symphony and is still in the first year of his job. As his wife, I hear all the worries, the frets the challenges. Today was great, a nearly sold out house, hundreds of first time visitors to a symphony concert, a great plug from Michael Martin Murphy about it being one of the best orchestras he has played with after more than 20 years and a 100 symphony concerts. He even thanked my husband (among others) on stage. It was a sweet moment and I couldn't help think how we have come so far from a few years ago, how it feels every day more and more like life is coming full circle.

As I went backstage to find my husband after the concert, I couldn't help beam in pride for my husband. However a few minutes later he shared some news with me that let me down. Hard. I wasn't sure how to react. As often happens with me, my mind races to all the worst possible scenarios and start to worry. I didn't have long for that since he then says come with me, Mr. Murphy wants to meet you. I must say he was just about one of the nicest people I have every met, quite frankly I expected that much from his music and stage presence, but still it was still wonderful to get that first hand experience.

Later as I had some more time to think I ponder how we handle this situation. How much money will this cost us? How will we pay for it? This may affect work, could it cost him his job? Then what will we do? Flashes of anger and embarrassment pass through my head all the while, keeping it in. I am with my brother, my sister in law and a friend, I wonder if I will have to explain to them what happened. What will happen as this all comes out? I have learned to hate being secretive, but know that not all things need to be shared in public either.

Tonight as we get home and have a chance to really talk, I am heartbroken that something happened to mar this day. This day of otherwise great success. While that negative voice in my head has mentioned to me how typical this all is, the anger is mostly gone already, realizing this heartache has some potential for some good as well. It could be the catalyst for some change I have been praying for. While the fears are still there, I don't feel overwhelmed, the great comforter has whispered some truths in my heart, he is in control, and while he does not always save us from the heartaches in life, especially those we make for ourselves, he will see us through. Right now I am feeling confident on stepping out on faith not letting fear overrun me. However I don't want to sound perfect, I know tomorrow and the next day and the day after that will certainly challenge us. So while I know you don't know exactly what for, I ask for prayers for us, to face the challenges that of straightening out this mistake.

Infinite Grace 2008

Oh, life has been a whirlwind lately. Isn't that always the case, especially as the holidays approach?

Before I update on current events I was recently revisiting some memories and want to share.

Three years ago I climbed into a car with my mom and one of her best friends to head to Phoenix for the weekend. I was apprehensive and nervous. We were heading to a Woman's conference, and while I was excited about the trip. I wasn't excited about the drive. I knew at some point I was going to get questioned by my mom and her friend (who I have know the better part of my life) about what was going on with me. If my husband and I were going to get divorced or if I was going to take him back. We were in the middle of a separation at the time. He was finally starting to make a turn around and I was trying to make it work, but not compromise. Hard time. I knew my mom and her friend, were incensed on my behalf and wanted me to not get hurt again.

There was another group of ladies going with us. One climbed in our car for a while and boy was I glad, since that would take the pressure off me. As we got to talking she told us her story about how her husband had an affair and the ensuing aftermath and how a few years later they were both remarried and attending the same church and navigating the co parenting arena. I felt bad because as I listened to her story, I stared out my window as the tears quietly rolled down my face. I couldn't face her or speak for fear of completely losing it and making a fool of myself. Her story hit too close to home, the possiblilty of this being my future.

When we got to the conference, I recall timidly singing along with the singers in the beginning. Realizing that I just entered an arena full of approx 12,000 women. I recall when the first speaker got up, she talked about how she had been on one of those Christian TV networks and I remember skeptically thinking, oh she is one of "those" people. As Sheila Walsh continued she detailed a mental breakdown and how her life was really transformed by God, Istarted to change my mind. Maybe these speakers, these singers would be someone I could relate to. By the time we started back home, I was better able to speak honestly with my mom and her friend about what was going on in my life and how my husband I were still working toward healing. After listening to the many stories of God's grace, I had the courage to do what did not seem like the easy option and forgive my husband and myself and move on with our marriage.

We went again last year, by then I had moved back to where my parents live, with my husband and was still embarking on a new life. At the time, I think my husband was starting a new job after his first endeavor hadn't gone well. We had just weathered one of those tests where I thought I was going to lose him again to that terrible Balrog of depression. This year, I couldn't help marvel at how much my life changes every time I go. As I laugh, cry and dance throughout the conference, I cannot help but feel so renewed at the end. The speakers are always so open to tell about their trials, failures, and subsequent successes. Never do I feel preached at by someone who just doesn't get what my life is about.

Here are a couple of links to some of my favorite segments from this years Women of Faith conference. Whether it is listening to spunky Patsy Clairmont speak, Sandi Patty bringing the house down with her husband, Nicole C. Mullins rocking it, or Anita Renfroe making me laugh, I had a great time.

I also can't help but thank my mom for including my sister and I and paying our way on these trips. Enjoying some time with them is always special. We already have tickets for next year, for the Phoenix conference in October. They meet all over the country and I highly recommend attending one near you. Of course I would always welcome you joining our group in Phoenix.

The five second post.

I know I have been failing miserably at keeping up my blog lately, or reading yours. This isn't one of those entries where I apologize for being gone. Nor will I be quitting, but I am saying I won't be around much for the next week or so. Stop cheering, I hear you!

Of course I have about twenty different topics whirling about in my head, just no time to really sit and write and give an entry even minimal attention. Yes, occasionally I do give them a little bit of thought, but not too much you know me.

I"ll hopefully post pics of what I have been up to soon, but not tonight. I am whipped and going to get some shut eye. It is not easy being beautiful, I must get my beauty rest. Quit laughing, again I hear you.

Lastly, I have put up a few posts lately of a spiritual nature. I know they are not everyone's cup of tea, not that anyone has said anything even remotely offensive. I post them for two reasons, because it are part of my life, which this blog is an extension of. Also because I am curious how you think and feel. However sometimes the silence is deafening. If you have an opinion and are keeping it to yourself to save my feelings, speak your mind, I am open to discussion. This discussion may have limits, Tom you know I am talking to you.

Have you ever wandered?

I am such the consummate substitute teacher I even substitute teach Sunday School at church.

I have to admit have been feeling rather inadequate for such a task lately. However despite my hesitations, sometimes I am glad I can't say no to my old Sunday School teacher, because I already learned something and I haven't even taught the lesson yet.

This week's lesson is on Cain and Abel from Genesis 4. As I read the lesson I wondered once again, why God would reject Cain's offering. Why was Abel's better? As I reread the story in my study bible, several things stood out.

There isn't a reason given for God's rejection of Cain's offering. However the KJV uses the word, respect. God did not respect his offering. My study bible in the notes goes on to mention how perhaps it was Cain's attitude, or perhaps he brought the wormy apples no one would eat. I think I have spent the better part of my life thinking of this story the wrong way. I always assumed God rejected the plants over the animal. However it would appear to be more attitude related.

I found vs 6, 7 most interesting:

6And the LORD said unto Cain, Why art thou wroth? and why is thy countenance fallen?

7If thou doest well, shalt thou not be accepted? and if thou doest not well, sin lieth at the door. And unto thee shall be his desire, and thou shalt rule over him.

After God rejected the offering, he tried to reason with Cain, just like I do with my boys? Yes, I chastised you, but that was (dangerous, wrong, mean, etc.) and that bad attitude is going to get you in trouble. I think I thought he just rejected Cain and then Cain killed his brother. The real story is about attitude and letting seeds of hate, jealousy or whatever sin we are holding on to take us down the wrong path of further sin.

Mostly I am thinking OUCH. I resemble that attitude far too often, I know the part of the petulant child well. As a parent, I just want my child to straighten up and go in a safe direction. Is it possible that is all my father wants to?

I am thankful a heartfelt prayer, an attitude ajustment and that simple reminder will probably change the course of my day. I am thankful, that even though I mess up, my heavenly father still loves me and just sets me on the right path.

Just curious, what were (are) your thoughts on this bible classic?

Fright Night

Last night my heart was pounding, I was out of breath and I was shaking hard enough to rattle my necklace. Why? I was practicing the song I was singing for church. My boys were goofing off on stage around me, I couldn't concentrate and it my full attention was not on the task at hand. As I shuttled the boys off to their respective classes, I wished I had never been put on the list to sing a special, even if I landed on the least coveted spot of Wednesday night, the least attended service.

I blame my mother for being on the special music schedule, she thinks my sister and I sing like angels. She really wants us to sing for her in public. In my high school days, singing in front of people was no big deal. I even sang at a few large talent shows in front of several hundred people, sure I was kind of nervous, but nothing like last night. Back then I do recall her pushing things too far in my opinion, asking us to sing everywhere we went, even family functions, I always felt like a show off, often refusing.

Down the road in life after high school, although I kept singing in choirs, I quit singing solos after a embarrassing botched audition in front of a large group of professional singers. In the last ten years, the only times I have sung in public was my grandparents funerals. Nightmares of singing plagued me the night before my grandfathers funeral and vowed to never ever do it again. However I couldn't refuse when nanny joined him earlier this year. As bad luck or fate would have it, it was open mic night at church a few nights later and we repeated the performance for my mom's benefit at church. Then again for my other grandmothers benefit at her church. That is how I ended up on stage last night, someone sweetly added me to the special schedule after that.

I know singing at church isn't really about me, it is about praising God. Technically if I am tone deaf and off beat but my heart is really in it, aren't I pleasing him? My internal Simon Cowell plays back all the bad comments I have ever heard. Why does she think she is so special? Who told her she could sing? Boring, didn't like it, get yourself a real job! Comments not made about me, but I cam imagine in them in a heartless british accent. I ask myself, who do I think I am? I am not Godly and good, I yelled at my kids yesterday, am behind on bills and in general a terrible sinner.

It is very hard to let go and experience the joy I find in singing at home or in choir, when I am by myself on stage. Whether happy or sad, I sing songs and feel uplifted, overjoyed and can lose myself and come out a better person. One of my favorite lines in a song ever is Some midnight hour, when you find yourself in a prison in your mind, SING OUT IN PRAISE and Bless his name. (I Bless Your Name, Elizabeth Goodine.) Which is a reference to Acts 16:22-40. I love that line because it embodies how I feel after I sing, even when my world is crumbling around me, I can release all that negative energy and feel renewed at the end. But that is at home, in my kitchen, usually when I am by myself.

I am afraid I will get so scared of being on stage that I will forget the song I am singing despite the words being on the podium in front of me. I tried to find a few minutes after that heart pounding rehearsal to sit down, relax and pray, not for me that increased my anxiety, for other people, so God could put his hand on my back and tell me it is okay, and for me to believe it.

By the time I went up to grab the mic, my heartbeat was calmer, I had my breath back. When I started to sing I looked around and my nerves ramped up, I heard the quiver in my voice. I saw the beads on my necklace shake violently as I drew a breath. I closed my eyes and shut out the room and just sang. As I got to the last verse, I almost forgot where I was and I was just singing, and I meant it.

Oh Cleanser of the mess I made,
With everything at your feet laid,
I watch as all my cares erode,
And from my soul these words explode

How wonderful your mercy is,
How awesome are your ways,
I come, I come,
To worship you
For all you've done

(For All You've Done, Clint Lagerburg)

Prepping them for adulthood

Recently while participating in the fair, I was pondering what I want my boys to be involved in, how I want them to grow up. I won't lie, I worry sometimes what people think about those kind of activities. Do they think we are dumb because we think it is fun to chase a pig? Do they think we are uneducated rubes?

I'd like to think our children are going to get a unique education. Daddy with a music degree and manager of a Symphony, mommy with an agriculture degree and a love of bugs and plants and cows.

I couldn't help think I want them to learn how to handle animals for a thousand reasons, but mainly because learning how to handle situations that seem impossible, like getting a 2000 lb animal to behave. If you can't muster some self confidence in that situation, you wont succeed.

I want them to play sports and have a coach who pushes them to their physical limits so they understand sometimes we push past what we think we can do physically and triumph. I want them to lose a big game and get back in the play the next one like it didn't happen.

I want them to master an instrument so they can know the beauty and release of music in all it's forms. Whether it be Cash, Mozart,Black Flag, Persechetti, Bob Wills or Metallica (the old stuff). The hard work, the mastering of rhythms that seem to complex on the first try and then roll off the tongue or fingers by the last.

I want them to learn that education comes from experience, while books guide and give direction they aren't a replacement for having been there and done that.

I want them to understand Love, not the sugary candy flavored romantic love sold in the media, but real unconditional love. I want them to understand the grace of God and its transforming power.

Recently I happened upon a blog where a mom said this.. You want to hear a real punk rock mommy parenting tip… I always believed that it was not my job to raise good children but rather to prepare my children for adulthood. Everything you teach them as children ought to be for the purpose of having them be strong, healthy, and independent adults. (Punk Rock Mommy. June 19, 2008*)

I had never thought of it that way, but that is exactly what I want to prepare them for adulthood so they are strong and capable but still know how to have fun. Don't get me wrong, I want to have good kids, but from the inside out, you know not just well mannered in front of the right people.

What did your parents do to prepare you for to be an adult?

*For more about Punk Rock Mommy please see the comment section.

Forgive and Forget

Last week was vacation bible school at my church. This year and last I have volunteered to be a group leader. I get a group of kids and take them from class to class. I really enjoy it, which is kind of odd for me in a way since if asked I will tell you I am terrified of teaching grade school. (Thankfully I have never been asked when subbing.) I don't mind a small group though, and the kids are lots of fun. I just have to keep my teachers pet tendencies under control when we are in the big class and not raise my hand to answer questions. Apparently you are supposed to let the kids answer. (I'd like to think I am smarter than a first grader, ha ha.)

Wednesday's theme was choose forgiveness. I think that theme is so important and of course I want to take it beyond what a first grader understands. Choosing forgiveness, whether it is because you need forgiveness or need to forgive someone else can change your life.

Several years ago, I learned that forgiveness can really change your life. Without giving you all the sordid details, let's just say that my husband and I had a bit of challenging relationship before we were married too. So when we decided to get married after an two year break up some people in my family were not supportive at all. My parents accepted that we had both changed and grown in that time. However one uncle, whom I lived with at the time, did not. He was vehemently oppossed and told me so often. He even refused to come to the wedding. It hurt a lot. It really caused a divide with that family. For a long time it hurt badly and when I would think of them I would get knots in my stomach. I loved them and wished for things to be the way they were before. At some point I chose to let it go, forgive and be forgiven. I no longer felt knots.

One of the most blessed things about my recent trip to Oklahoma was that I saw that uncle for the first time in 8 or 9 years. He cannot travel much anymore, and I have seen my aunt at various family events over the years. When we drove up and surprised them, and I took my boys over to meet him, I was surprised when I couldn't even speak. Because despite any past hurts, I still loved and cared and letting that hurt go so long ago, left us open to have a good visit.

Even in the case of that job I described a while back, where I honestly was wrongly treated, I chose to forgive. That kind of anger was eating me up, quite frankly I was ugly while I held on to it. It wasn't until I forgave that was happy again. When our marriage hit rock bottom, two years ago, someone suggested to me there are some things in a marriage you cannot forgive. However, we found it for each other and moved on. It wasn't easy in either case, I had to let go of some hurts I really wanted to hold on to. Especially the ones that made me feel like I was right and they were wrong.

I have heard a lot of people say, I could never anyone who (fill in the blank) me. I have seen people who wouldn't speak to a sibling over who got what when mom died. I have seen parents fight over a child, for no other reason that they could not forgive themselves or each other. I have also seen families reconciled, broken families healed, because the chose to forgive.

While we use the phrase forgive and forget. The forgetting is the hard part, obviously you want to remember so you don't fall into the same situation again. However if we truly forgive we cannot go about hitting the forgiven on the head with past wrongs either. No matter how good that feels at the moment, it doesn't bring lasting happiness either.

So I challenge anyone who is wronged to choose to forgive and forget. Whoever you need to forgive is probably wrong, but do it for you not them. I recently read a fiction book called The Shack by William P. Young that address forgiveness of an almost unimaginable sort. While I advocate forgiveness, I wonder if I could even approach the forgiveness that the main character in this book is asked to choose. It is rarely easy as even as I write this I can think of a few small hurts I am holding on to, that I need to let go of. As I said it is not easy and I don't pretend to have forgiven perfectly myself.

Sometimes we think choosing forgiveness lets the other person off easy, but in reality the person it frees is you. At some point or other in our lives we have all been the recipient of generous forgiveness for someone we wronged, didn't that feel good? Besides if God can forgive us, then who are we to not forgive someone else.

Mundane Moments

Do you find the most beautiful moments in life are sometimes the most mundane?

Every once in a while we are doing the dumbest thing and I just marvel at how great life is.

Yesterday I had one of those moments. The washer quit agitating, which was quite agitating really. So Ben took the bottom off to take a look at it. At one point he had it needed my help to check something out. So here we are on a Saturday afternoon sitting in our hall working on the washer and just hanging out. I couldn't help but think a few years ago, my husband didn't fix anything, much less attempt to. A few years ago I would have been mad, upset and worried about what I was going to do without a washer, since buying a new one right now is not an option. A few years ago this would have been cause for a bunch of drama.

I am so glad our lives changed for the better. It's moments like those, that make me realize how far our faith and marriage have evolved over the last few years. Not that we don't have our moments, because we certainly do, they are just a lot less often. I need to remember and thank God everyday for restoring my family, and making it better than it was before the problems started.

When I Get Where I am Going

Have you ever realized you were doing exactly the same thing last year or the year before and wondered about the pattern? I found myself doing that yesterday. I was typing up an obituary for my grandfather three years ago and oddly enough I found myself writing one for his wife, my dear Nanny three years to the day later. Odd how that works out.

I will always remember and have a slight ache for these people. I am the eldest grandchild, some would claim more spoiled that the most. Of course all those people are younger than me and I could point how in my eyes they stole some of my attention, but I digress. ; )

I have a cousin only 6 weeks younger and when we were old enough they started taking us for camping trips. I think around the age of 4 or 5, we would load up in their motor home and go the the mountains or a lake. Pa pa used to like to tell how we were asking Nanny to fix us a snack before we hit the city limit sign. I wonder if I would still enjoy a can of beanie weenies so much.

On Saturdays they would call and we would all go over and he would load us up in the van and take us to Roswell and we would go to K-Mart, which usually meant some snacks we didn't get at home like an Icee and if we were lucky a new toy. By this time that might mean taking 6 or 7 kids. I don't recall my mom asking them to watch us much, I remember it being the other way around, them calling to see if we could come over.

I remember realizing with this side of the family we were a bit redneck. They were both from Oklahoma. Nanny was the daughter of a preacher who married the boy from the wrong side of the tracks. Pa pa's family were had some rascally habits by the stories my mom tells. One of them paints his father as a man who was kicked out of the New Mexico Territory for preaching on street corners, collecting and offering and then using the money in the bar. Where as Nanny's dad was a respectable preacher named King David. I was always fascinated by that name until she told me that she had an Uncle named XYZ since he was the last kid.

Christmas was big at their house that is where we spent Christmas morning. Nanny had a big Sears catalog and we would spend hours going through it writing our names next to stuff we wanted. Then we would spend days trying to guess what was in the boxes under the tree. One year I had decided based on the shape, size and weight that she had got me the Crayola Caddy I put my name by. However oddly enough on Christmas morning that present was no where to be found, she had hid it, since I was such a smart alec and figured it out.The three of us at my brothers wedding.

We were all welcome anytime, if you knocked on the door before entering you would get razzed. We would drop by with dates in high school or our friends, we were always welcome. Sunday dinners after church with food supplied by Colonel Sanders, then we would fall asleep watching T.V. Their house was the hub for birthday parties, holiday parties, and any day of the week dropping by.

Gamely wearing the ballon hat I made at the family reunion.

I felt a very tight bond with Nanny, and I know most of my cousins would say the same. Although I think out of all my grandparents I am the most like her. She could be stubborn and tough, but full of laughter. We all teased each other and having a quick wit was a requirement around her. The last conversation I had with her, we laughed about how I met one of her former home nurses who gushed about how much she loved my Nanny because when she asked her to do something she didn't want to she replied I am old and I don't give a damn. Even though I have know this day was coming for over a year, it still takes my breath away to realize she is gone now.

With my nice and nephew and one of my favorite photographs of her.

The funeral is Friday morning and we want to celebrate the Legacy my grandparents left us, especially her. We have laughed and cried all day with stories and remembering. My cousin spilled red nail polish on the carpet and as we cleaned it up, I told him she is up in heaven saying those darn kids, I leave for ten minutes and you make a mess.

I love you Nanny and know I'll see you again. Have that can of beanie weenies ready okay?