Who knows the plans he has for me?

I wasn't going to post about this because quite frankly it hurts still.

I already lost my awesome job. While out on our rounds on Monday and Tuesday, they lost a several hundred acres and I could tell it worried my new employer. She said it usually evens out, but on Friday she called and said the rest of the week hadn't produced any more and she was afraid that was going to have to be the end for now, it was too big of a hit for them to support having me on as well.

Of course I worry about what I did wrong. Logic tells me that I didn't do anything but still my mind can think of a billion stupid things.

This week I have had two friends in California laid off, and know the hits to their family is far worse than the hit mine is taking.

Of course the reality is that we have a money situation facing us that I know is going to put us in the hole if we have to rely on our current incomes. I really do need a job that is providing me with more work that subbing is right now.

So all weekend long in quiet moments I obsess about which not as ideal job as the last one should I apply for. This morning I literally wake up worrying and have knots in my stomach about what is coming up this week. I pray as I work in my garden, getting out some frustration, I tell God which job I think is best and why... wondering what will happen... how will we pay this bill now. I want answers about why this great opportunity was dangled in my face and so abruptly taken away.

I try to enter church on Sunday mornings with a clean heart and clean conscious. I think I need to read and pray before church today. As I open my bible Jeremiah, 29:11 comes to mind, I wonder why? I am only on chapter 2 of Jeremiah. So I look it up and remember making a graphic of this verse as a present for a friend.

I feel a peace come over me as I try to remember that while I may not be in control right now, someone far more powerful is, who has seen me through much much worse circumstances.

Then I was checking out Renee Swope's Blog, The Journey of my Heart, and it was dead on for me this weekend. Writing on Phillipians 4:5-7 she states "In the NIV translation, Verse 7 says, "the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Oh that God's peace would transcend my need to understand! Sometimes that is my biggest problem, I can accept what God is doing if He'd just help me understand why He's doing it that way." Wow, that describes me to a T!

So I felt moved to share from place of hurt, because I am sure I am not the only one wondering why? What will I do now? What did I do wrong? I know trusting that I am in the right place doing the right thing is so very very hard when things don't go my way.

I also found this graphic I had made while looking for the one from Jeremiah. I really cannot think of a better conclusion than this, and marvel how when I asked for peace about this situation how many great examples I happened across this morning.

In good times and in bad.

I had one of those days of great heights, lowest lows and all the tangled emotions in between.

Today was the big symphony concert with Michael Martin Murphy. My husband is the manager of the symphony and is still in the first year of his job. As his wife, I hear all the worries, the frets the challenges. Today was great, a nearly sold out house, hundreds of first time visitors to a symphony concert, a great plug from Michael Martin Murphy about it being one of the best orchestras he has played with after more than 20 years and a 100 symphony concerts. He even thanked my husband (among others) on stage. It was a sweet moment and I couldn't help think how we have come so far from a few years ago, how it feels every day more and more like life is coming full circle.

As I went backstage to find my husband after the concert, I couldn't help beam in pride for my husband. However a few minutes later he shared some news with me that let me down. Hard. I wasn't sure how to react. As often happens with me, my mind races to all the worst possible scenarios and start to worry. I didn't have long for that since he then says come with me, Mr. Murphy wants to meet you. I must say he was just about one of the nicest people I have every met, quite frankly I expected that much from his music and stage presence, but still it was still wonderful to get that first hand experience.

Later as I had some more time to think I ponder how we handle this situation. How much money will this cost us? How will we pay for it? This may affect work, could it cost him his job? Then what will we do? Flashes of anger and embarrassment pass through my head all the while, keeping it in. I am with my brother, my sister in law and a friend, I wonder if I will have to explain to them what happened. What will happen as this all comes out? I have learned to hate being secretive, but know that not all things need to be shared in public either.

Tonight as we get home and have a chance to really talk, I am heartbroken that something happened to mar this day. This day of otherwise great success. While that negative voice in my head has mentioned to me how typical this all is, the anger is mostly gone already, realizing this heartache has some potential for some good as well. It could be the catalyst for some change I have been praying for. While the fears are still there, I don't feel overwhelmed, the great comforter has whispered some truths in my heart, he is in control, and while he does not always save us from the heartaches in life, especially those we make for ourselves, he will see us through. Right now I am feeling confident on stepping out on faith not letting fear overrun me. However I don't want to sound perfect, I know tomorrow and the next day and the day after that will certainly challenge us. So while I know you don't know exactly what for, I ask for prayers for us, to face the challenges that of straightening out this mistake.

Prepping them for adulthood

Recently while participating in the fair, I was pondering what I want my boys to be involved in, how I want them to grow up. I won't lie, I worry sometimes what people think about those kind of activities. Do they think we are dumb because we think it is fun to chase a pig? Do they think we are uneducated rubes?

I'd like to think our children are going to get a unique education. Daddy with a music degree and manager of a Symphony, mommy with an agriculture degree and a love of bugs and plants and cows.

I couldn't help think I want them to learn how to handle animals for a thousand reasons, but mainly because learning how to handle situations that seem impossible, like getting a 2000 lb animal to behave. If you can't muster some self confidence in that situation, you wont succeed.

I want them to play sports and have a coach who pushes them to their physical limits so they understand sometimes we push past what we think we can do physically and triumph. I want them to lose a big game and get back in the play the next one like it didn't happen.

I want them to master an instrument so they can know the beauty and release of music in all it's forms. Whether it be Cash, Mozart,Black Flag, Persechetti, Bob Wills or Metallica (the old stuff). The hard work, the mastering of rhythms that seem to complex on the first try and then roll off the tongue or fingers by the last.

I want them to learn that education comes from experience, while books guide and give direction they aren't a replacement for having been there and done that.

I want them to understand Love, not the sugary candy flavored romantic love sold in the media, but real unconditional love. I want them to understand the grace of God and its transforming power.

Recently I happened upon a blog where a mom said this.. You want to hear a real punk rock mommy parenting tip… I always believed that it was not my job to raise good children but rather to prepare my children for adulthood. Everything you teach them as children ought to be for the purpose of having them be strong, healthy, and independent adults. (Punk Rock Mommy. June 19, 2008*)

I had never thought of it that way, but that is exactly what I want to prepare them for adulthood so they are strong and capable but still know how to have fun. Don't get me wrong, I want to have good kids, but from the inside out, you know not just well mannered in front of the right people.

What did your parents do to prepare you for to be an adult?

*For more about Punk Rock Mommy please see the comment section.

Getting things out of my head.

I have three things whirling about in my head right now lets see if I can connect them all in a way that makes sense.

#1 What kind of blog is my blog? I had found a blog listing thing called Momsdotcom. I threw my name in the ring, they wanted to know where I fit in. I don't really know. While I am not opposed to mommy blog, that is obviously not my only topic. Nor is it crafts, relationships, gardening or whatever I choose to blog about. Probably one of the reasons I am not commercially successful at blogging, but that is not really why I do it either. (That last comment is tongue in cheek, I would take the money, but I am not willing to do what it takes to get it either.)

#2 There was a category for Christian blogs or Christian moms, again something I don't hit on in every entry, but I am a Christian. Honestly while, I feel like my faith is stronger than ever, I am hesitant sometimes about hitting my readers about the head with it. I know I have a diverse group who do not believe the same as I. Sometimes I wonder if that is an excuse.

#3 Spiritually I find myself at a branching point. While we are growing, we are having to find ways to mix the old with the new a lot lately. One of the advantages and reasons we moved was to start over. In particular my husband felt like he needed to be separated from some things that were destructive in his life. Lately we have had several opportunities to be with old friends, who I hold dear, but I worry about him missing his old life when he is with them. For a long time he wanted to escape reality with them instead of come home to wife and two kids. I think we have moved past that but the specter of it happening again makes my gut churn.

#4 There are certain two people in my life, whom I will not name, who bicker a lot and I often feel caught in the middle. Today was a prime example of them both assuming the worst of each other and bickering about what they think the other one means or wants. I love them but want to shout, BE THE HERO, let it go and just listen, give them the benefit of the doubt, you could be good friends, without all the drama. (If you are one of those two people and you happen to read this remember I love you both.)

In conclusion, I think I should take my advice from #4 there and apply to to #3 and try and find a way to discuss this with my hubby instead of assuming it will cause a big fight. And maybe find a way to better employ #2 in my life in a more outward way. I have been neglecting my bible study and after taking the time to do it today, I can feel more confident that we will get through this bump too, we have to face these issues sometime. #1 will probably never be resolved, I don't see myself sticking to any one topic for long.

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