It's only logical

Max is almost completely out of all toddler like activities these days. He is potty trained, but not accident free. He is mostly reasonable, but still can throw a wallop of a fit, albeit less frequently. Suddenly he protects his two year old little cousin rather than fight with her. Next month my baby will be four, and I love how our conversations go these days, even though sometimes I don't come out on top.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox

Me to Max: Max can you hold the dustpan for Nonnie like you do for mommy?

Max: No, I only do that for my mommy.

Me: Max, remember Nonnie is my mommy, so it is okay, almost just like doing it for your mommy.

Max: You do it for her then, she's your mommy.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox

I took him clothes shopping with me the other night. Without big brother to wrestle with, he was quite helpful and sat nicely on the bench in the changing room while I tried a few clothes on. First outfit a pant suit, he made sure I was putting it on correctly, Does that shirt get tucked in mom? When I explained it stayed out, he exclaimed, It is beautiful mommy! After trying on a dress, he proudly said Mom that looks like a wedding dress, you are pretty. But the winner, was when I tried on a sparkly red and black shirt and he yelled excitedly Mommy you look like a rock star! I bought the shirt and wore it to the Symphony the next night, and every time someone complimented it, I had to tell them about my personal shopper.

Still Smiling

I realized I forgot a birthday this month, my brother, Bill. He has been gone a long time, but I think he is making his presence known lately. Little things like finding a poster he and my brother Sam painted my mom for mother's day, my nephew taking his picture down from the wall.

I think I was in 6th grade when my parents decided to become foster parents. My mom said that her family always took in her friends that needed places to stay as a kid and she wanted to do that too. So this teenage boy a couple of years older than me came to live with us. It was immediately apparent that this wasn't the kind of kid I would hang out with in school. I recall being at war about accepting him in, and losing my place as oldest. We would get along and then fight just like with my real brothers and sisters, but it was always a more tenuous relationship than I had with my younger sister and brother.

He got in some kind of trouble, I don't really recall what, but the result was he went to live in a group up in northern NM. We would go for weekend visits and I remember going to his GED graduation in Espanola. When he aged out of foster care he came back and lived with us. It was okay for a while, but eventually he started drinking and the alcoholic gene ran strong in his family. One night he was in very strange mood, locked in the room he shared with my brother blasting metal, my parents were out somewhere and I found a bottle of vodka in the freezer and of course mentioned it to them when they got home. The evening ended with him punching my dad, a scuffle and him being kicked out. My mom helped him get set up at an apartment and he still came to family functions. He would straighten up for a while and then he would start drinking again. He started going on binges where he would lose memories of a whole week, doing things like selling his car and having no memory of it. Still practicing tough love, they didn't bail him out and pay his rent when he had nothing left, and because of the past incidents they didn't let him move back in with us. I recall giving him a hard time when I went to go pick him up for Christmas dinner about it. You know in my self rightous 16 year old girl way, overall I was probably a jerk. He ended up living with his paternal grandfather, who I guess was a piece of work himself.

I still vividly remember coming home from a school trip in early January walking in the door and knowing something was terribly wrong. He had decided enough was enough and ended his life. I was pissed, how could he do that to us? He really had screwed up this time. Guiltily, and quietly, I also felt relief for him. Despite the fact that I had always been told suicide was wrong, I had seen his desperate struggle, his fear of never being able to break free of his family curse. I wondered if he was better off.

Watching my mother struggle with his choice, and her feelings of what else could she have done was hard. While she never hit bottom, I knew it nearly killed her. Years later when discussing another suicide, and when I encouraged her to offer comfort to the mother, she said something to the effect that her friend had lost a child while she was just a foster mom. I asked her if she had really loved him any less than us, because I don't' think she did, many people would have given up when he left for the group home.

You want to know something, I can't be sure I ever called him my brother all those years ago. I probably always referred to him as my foster brother, keeping some distance from him. Something that still cuts me to the quick today. I can forgive myself for being what I was, a teenage girl who had this kid living in her house. I don't think I was cruel, but not always as nice and giving as I could have been. Yet it is hard to recall my actions, and not feel ashamed, through the eyes of a more understanding adult.

The grief has found me throughout the years. The first time I went back to the same funeral home for my boyfriends grandmother a few years later, the tears I barely cried at his funeral found their way out. When a girl in college was freaking out about a suicide and grieveing for a kid we didn't even know, I was angry people made such a big deal about suicides. (Bill's was the second in a week that year, we think he partly did it because of the first.) When I went through my own worst depression and was thinking of how I wasn't so fond of life anymore, and there was no hope of recovery, the first hand knowledge of how much pain I would cause my family,helped me from doing anything rash.

Today I feel sad at all the joys in life he has missed, because I am sure if he was here, he would be involved in birthdays, holidays. I wonder what his kids would look like. I would be ribbing him about being old and almost forty.

In a moment of sadness, my mom wondered if being a foster parent was a mistake. I told her no. While it was hard, painful and often not beautiful, it was the right thing to do. Malathionman wrote an excellent post about his kids, who are adopted from the state. His post reminded me of how worthwhile these parents are. Yes it hurts, and the struggles can be awful, the outcomes often not ideal, but can you imagine if he hadn't made that rash mistake? I have hope for Alissa, Austin and Sarah. You may not be able to make all there problems go away by loving them, but you are still blessing them.

Tonight we made had a as scrapbooking event at church the theme was family. One of the best albums I saw had pictures of a now broken family and this quote... “Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened.” Dr. Suess*

Prepping them for adulthood

Recently while participating in the fair, I was pondering what I want my boys to be involved in, how I want them to grow up. I won't lie, I worry sometimes what people think about those kind of activities. Do they think we are dumb because we think it is fun to chase a pig? Do they think we are uneducated rubes?

I'd like to think our children are going to get a unique education. Daddy with a music degree and manager of a Symphony, mommy with an agriculture degree and a love of bugs and plants and cows.

I couldn't help think I want them to learn how to handle animals for a thousand reasons, but mainly because learning how to handle situations that seem impossible, like getting a 2000 lb animal to behave. If you can't muster some self confidence in that situation, you wont succeed.

I want them to play sports and have a coach who pushes them to their physical limits so they understand sometimes we push past what we think we can do physically and triumph. I want them to lose a big game and get back in the play the next one like it didn't happen.

I want them to master an instrument so they can know the beauty and release of music in all it's forms. Whether it be Cash, Mozart,Black Flag, Persechetti, Bob Wills or Metallica (the old stuff). The hard work, the mastering of rhythms that seem to complex on the first try and then roll off the tongue or fingers by the last.

I want them to learn that education comes from experience, while books guide and give direction they aren't a replacement for having been there and done that.

I want them to understand Love, not the sugary candy flavored romantic love sold in the media, but real unconditional love. I want them to understand the grace of God and its transforming power.

Recently I happened upon a blog where a mom said this.. You want to hear a real punk rock mommy parenting tip… I always believed that it was not my job to raise good children but rather to prepare my children for adulthood. Everything you teach them as children ought to be for the purpose of having them be strong, healthy, and independent adults. (Punk Rock Mommy. June 19, 2008*)

I had never thought of it that way, but that is exactly what I want to prepare them for adulthood so they are strong and capable but still know how to have fun. Don't get me wrong, I want to have good kids, but from the inside out, you know not just well mannered in front of the right people.

What did your parents do to prepare you for to be an adult?

*For more about Punk Rock Mommy please see the comment section.

Hey Look at Me I am a Big KId Too!

Did you know I have two boys? I kid, sometimes I feel bad, Z does get the lions share of the attention lately. He's in school and sports, sometimes little brother feels a bit left out. For the last few weeks he has been desperately wanting to be big and go to kindergarten with brother.

In fact he informed that he was five now and old enough to go. When I asked, You are? He told me that he had a few extra birthdays I didn't know about. After relating that story to a womens group at church I found out a few senior saints have apparently been trying to give their extra birthdays away to the toddlers. Sneaky, aren't they? I knew those white hairs couldn't be trusted.

In reality he will probably be attending Headstart this fall, so he will get to go to school. I don't have his letter yet, but a recent speech difficulty diagnosis most likely will ensure him a spot. I didn't take the diagnosis too hard though because he is as smart as a whip. He was very communicative with the diagnostician, and knew every question she asked, I guess it was the way he said his words, I am just used to deciphering for him.

Right now I am enjoying my extra time with him, it has been fun the last few days. The little chatter box keeps the day lively with his running commentary. Today we looked at butterflies, tarantula hawks and caterpillars. One man, whom we saw in a parking lot after Max had captured a long green larvae dared called it a worm, under his breath Max said, it's not a worm, it's a caterpillar. I think the duh was implied. (That is my little entomologist in training!)

While he had said infamous things like telling my mom what is under my pants, he can be quite profound at times for a three year old. Take Sunday at lunch, as we cracked fortune cookies, I asked him to read mine. Although he cannot actually read, his acting was dead on when he looked at the paper and* stated this, If you do the right things and then do it, you will be happy.

Sounds to me like he has it down, I don't even think the little genius needs school.


*I changed my original wording here, because I unintentionally made it sound like he can read, which he cannot. He is smart but not that smart, he is only three.

Patience is a Virtue that I don't have.

I am so excited, and I can't hardly hide it....

Aren't you glad this isn't a video blog? Then you would have probably been subject to my bad singing with incorrect lyrics.

Today we finally will find out who Zach's kindergarten teacher is, and everything associated with my bug starting school. Maybe it is just that we had to wait an extra year since his birthday falls just after the deadline, or just the newness of it all.

Yeah, my son has been to preschool for the last couple of years and really this isn't as big of a deal to him. I am not worried that he won't behave or about the big kids picking on him. In fact he will be the big kid since our town has all the kindergarten kids at the same school.

Then there was the teacher selection. It was a lot of pressure as I talked with other moms around the ball field about the upcoming school year. Who are you going to pick for his teacher, they asked. I don't know, we get to pick? was my reply. So I started asking around from the kindergarten veteran moms. They all had suggestions two names topped the list. Oddly enough one that mentioned the most had equal votes hating her and loving her. They all warned me that I needed to be in the registration line early to get in those two classes, because the first ten names for each teacher get into the class they pick and then after that they fit people in.

It felt like a big deal, this is a small town and part of me wonders if I get him into these two popular teachers classes, if that will set the tone for the rest of his school life. Like any town, but especially a small town the pecking order starts early. One day I cornered one gal, who was wildly popular in school and married to one of the hunkiest guys in school, is so very down to earth and helpful. She is a teacher and could give me the lowdown about teaching styles. After talking to her my husband and I narrowed the list down the to the three teachers we would request on our registration. The two most popular teachers weren't even on my list.

One I picked because her name came up often as a great teacher and her husband is a rancher and she tends to have a cowboy theme in class and even takes the kids on a trip to the ranch. Right up Zach's alley. Another is the protege of my kindergarten teacher whom I loved, and think would be a great fit for Zach. The last is a lady from my church, whom whenever we working the nursery or anything together, always impresses me with her skills with little kids.

Unluckily I was in Nashville that day. So I sent hubby in my stead. I called him to see how it was going and wouldn't you know he had forgot but he got down there right away. Whew, disaster avoided. He could have ruined our child's whole school career right there.

A couple of weeks later we got to go on a tour of the building. Each class is a certain kind of animal. Kangaroo, skunk, bears, bees, etc. Zach wants to be a turtle, because blue and green are his favorite colors. The turtle teacher wasn't on our list, I told him I didn't know if he would get in that class or not. MOM! my teacher (at preschool) told me you get to pick, I want to be a turtle!

That was way back in April. Since then this is the mommy talk I hear everywhere we go, So who's class is he in? I don't know, do you know who your kid has, I would frantically reply, wondering how they know. What did I miss?!? No they would admit, they didn't know they were wondering too. At a birthday party this summer I cornered a kindergarten teacher, and grilled her for info, when do we find out what is going on???? She told me we would know the Friday before school starts we would have an orientation. No letters in the mail, I have been impatient for this day to come ever since. Four long months, but today is the day. While Zach is excited, I think I am the one who cannot wait until 1:00.

**Update** is in the comments

My secret is out

Have you ever thought that men get listened too better?

For instance there have been times I took a man along with to tell another man something just because I wanted to be heard. Like when taking in a car to repair, if a man says tells another man the horn honks every time you turn right, he believes it. When a woman says it, we must be joking.

We used to do experiments with one boss. One woman would make a suggestion and he would shoot it down. Then a few days later we would send a guy in with the same suggestion, he would go for it. We tried it many times and different ways while we all really liked the boss, he obviously put more stock in it when a man said it. This prompted my coworker Barb to lament that she needed a penis to be heard. You know we we gave her plenty of symbolic peni (plural?) over the years to try and help her out.

While I think I have worked on the technique and after years of working more with men than women, I think I know how to make myself heard. Maybe I have been just fooling myself, though my son has outed me, and apparently I could make Barb jealous.

The following story will surely bring up lots of questions. I should make it a point to tell you we do practice modesty in this house, but we only have one bathroom, and sometimes things are seen. In any case, I hope it gives you a good laugh.

Recently my mother was watching four of her grandchildren one night while we went out and had good times. She gave them all a bath before bed. My youngest, Max age 3, was concerned about his younger girl cousin lacking a certain appendage. My mother tried to explain to him that girls do not have a penis. She further elaborated saying she didn't and his momma didn't. WHOA, stop right there, Nonie. He got very angry and informed her that his mother did too have a penis, it was just really small.

Cleaning out the clutter.

I have a goal, that is to clean out the clutter filling my house. Seriously. I have to get a handle on it. Living in a tiny space, we are often overwhelmed by our things. Thank God for ebay, thrift stores and freecycle.

Likewise, I realized I have left some internet clutter out there and left you dear readers hanging on a few issues. Since I realize it has been hard for you to sleep at night, wondering, about those cliffhanger endings of mine, I am going to update you.

Regarding the inappropriate questions on the newspaper job application. That was delayed a few weeks because of the Nashville trip, then the conclusion was rather uneventful. I asked for a new application when I went back and lo and behold it was a new application, minus all the inapporpriate questions. I turned it in, talked the the manager for a while, and have heard nothing about a job. I doubt anyone related to the paper reads my blog, or anyone in this town for that matter, but who knows.

Regarding my wonderful curly locks. I am still not "loving" my haircut but am loving my hair since I tried the new Tresemme Curly Hair product line. I also was ecstatic to get a some free samples from the Queen of Curly Manes, Ouidad by signing up for their brochure. While I had been to the site before, Mocha clued me into the freebies on her blog, it doesn't say you will get free samples but I did, just sign up for the brochure, wink wink. Now if I could just win the weekly giveaway. Just for the record, no flat iron has touched my hair of late.

Zach finished preschool, as an A+++ student, or at least I assume so. (Just kidding folks, they don't keep grades at Headstart.) We have only two more tee ball games left, of late we have gone around the bases in the right order, so that is progress as well. Oh and we got invited to a birthday party for non family. That is exciting since we have lived here and year and this is the first invite. Someone wants to see us again that isn't obligated by family ties. Awesome! Although my precious Max Attack bit a kid at playgroup, and we are actually forgoing church over it tonight because he has been a terror and I am afraid to subject the nursery workers to him today. That is a step backwards for us, he hasn't bit anyone in a several months. Ben and I should both be going to the party so we can take Max and hopefully get a repeat invite.

Lastly I did actually use my workout clothes for good and hauled a bunch of gravel from the back 40 to the front yesterday. I need to finish the job today. I felt awesome, and had a Kashi Bar for a snack, I had got an email from Kashi about a coupon and I was estatic when I dropped by their website and found that they are giving away a free sample of their Granola. I love this stuff, and thought I would pass it along.

By the way all the freebie links are just because I want to share, not because I am sponsored or anything. For the record, I am not in the business of mommy blogging.

My Best "Girlfriend" Advice on How to be The Best Mom you can be.

I have been thinking about this topic for a while. Yesterday while reading the Parent Bloggers Network, I decided to participate in my first ever Blog Blast. They are trying to find out the truth behind Motherhood in conjunction with the Discovery networks new docu-drama Deliver Me.

I hosted a baby shower for a one of my oldest and bestestest friends ever and I even put together a little book where everyone at the shower was supposed to give their best mommy advice to her. My advice was super super lame, I think I said something about enjoying them because they grow fast. Not that it isn't true, but really she could get that advice anywhere.

When I thought about it the advice I would give a lot of things came to mind. Most of which I probably read before becoming a mom, but I have to learn everything the hard way, through experience.

Motherhood is tough, much harder than I ever knew.

I try to thank my mom all the time and grandmothers all the time. I use the mantra at least I don't have thirteen in reverence to my great grandmother all the time.

Motherhood makes you grow as a person.

I swear God is trying to work on all of my issues through my kids, because apparently you need to be mature to guide them. (Who knew?)

Motherhood is messy.

It hasn't helped me to become the neat freak I someday hope to be, with spilled juice, dirty diapers and toys strewn about. You will care more about poop than you ever imagined.

Motherhood is lonely sometimes.

You will probably feel like no one understands what you are going through or that you can't take one more second of it sometimes. We all do, we all get it and seriously just reach out to me or whoever you need. Okay? You are normal don't beat yourself up about it.

Motherhood doesn't really have any hard and fast rules.

What works for me doesn't always work for you. What worked with kid #1, won't work with kid #2. There will be times when you feel pressured to do something other moms around you at church, daycare or whatever are doing that doesn't work for you. It's okay.

Motherhood is hard to let go of.

Meaning leaving your kids sometimes is the hardest thing you will do, even if it is with mom or hubby. Do it. Trust me, hubby will figure it out given enough opportunity. If he is never on his own with them, he won't be able to take care of them. You need some time on your own on occasion.

However that wasn't the advice I really wished I had given either. This is the thing that continually pops in my head.

Don't fail to have sex with your husband.

Just in case you thought I meant with someone else. : 0

Doesn't exactly sound profound, progressive or even having to do with motherhood, does it?

I think what I am trying to say is in the midst of your body wildly changing, becoming a mother, your breasts being used for a purpose you may have never contemplated before. Not to mention the vjayjay being out of whack.

However I dropped the ball on this one. I think it profoundly affected the next few years. (Now I bet at least one person who reads this will think, no he was the jerk. He was, but the point is we lost a connection before he really got his jerkiness on.) Luckily we worked it out and yes intimacy played a big part in that.

I know what you might be thinking. I need a shower... tell him that, trust me, he will pitch in more readily if he knows what to do. My husband claims he cannot read my mind. Yeah I have noticed that honey.

I know what you might be thinking. Eww my body is fat and flabby now I don't even want to go near it.... imagine you have Cindy Crawford's body or whomever you like, I bet he doesn't even care.

I know what you might be thinking. I will scream if one more person wants to touch me. Get a breather, make sure you are getting some baby free time (see letting go above.)

Most importantly have fun and don't forget to spend some time with the hubby whether you get it on or not. Okay. Really it is that important, our kids deserve to have healthy happy parents.

Just one last piece of girlfriend advice though... don't forget the birth control unless you want another one right away. It happens more often than you might think.